A tend towards introversion

Awhile ago I came across a link on my friend's facebook page about the 10 myths about introverts: http://www.carlkingdom.com/10-myths-about-introverts .  As I read the list I was struck by how much of an introvert I truly am.  I then borrowed that same friend's book: The Introvert Advantage.  I began to feel more normal.

With reading about introversion a little more, I also found myself challenged in my relationships... especially with out-going extroverts.

There was one friend who really stood out in particular.  She was a friend who overwhelmed me with her over-exuberance of care for me, and I felt very uncomfortable being so sought after as a friend.  While this part had nothing to do with being an extrovert, the rest did.  She had a ton of friends.  She was very busy in life.  I was a small segment of her life.  Space came easily for her, and I soon found myself confused by her.  When we hung out, it was as if we were sisters and best friends.  Then time would go by, even though we lived close to one another, and I would wonder why we didn't talk more regularly.

For me, I love getting to know new people, but for the friends who seem to become like sisters, I want to share daily life, and to connect with them regularly.  I don't have a ton of these friends who live nearby, currently, but I value those I have so deeply...

Some of the characteristics which differentiate between an introvert and an extrovert are breadth and depth.  An extrovert is more of a breadth friend, who may go deep with friends, but is spread more thin - more is more.  An introvert tends to go deeper with few, while she may have others who she doesn't go as deep with.

So, where was the epiphany in all of this?  Well, my feelings got hurt... really hurt.  I questioned my friend's genuineness in her care for me.  I questioned her words.  I questioned her reaching out.  I felt it was a front.  I cried many nights over feeling unloved by this friend who had struck me dumb with her affection when we first became friends.  I cried because I felt like I finally trusted her, and then she seemed to disappear, and then jump back on the grid as if time had not been a factor.  I felt unfair in even bring this to her attention.

Over reading up on introversion, I came to peace with her.  Her relationships are all genuine.  Her heart is really big.  I can see that she loves me just as much as she says, but she is not like me in her relational needs with me.

That is the hard thing... how do you reconcile these differences?

Sometimes I wish I was more of an extrovert so that I wouldn't feel the pain I feel, but then I have to remind myself that being an extrovert doesn't numb you of pain.  I have to remind myself that my needs are also beautiful and valid.

I still get my feelings hurt easily by people who are of the extrovert persuasion, and tend to have more friends then I can count.  I wish I had the reconciling answer, and knew when to say something or not.  Even though I don't have the answers, I feel like I have a different perspective.  One that frees me from seeing myself of the failure in relationships, and lets me value others for who they are in my life... I wish this knowledge could just perfect itself in me so relationships could be much easier.. but it doesn't.

I hate overgeneralizing, and defining people into groups, but I appreciate distinctions.  I appreciate the truths that stretch me to love deeper, and love better.

Realizations in Play-Dough

The other day I pulled out the play-dough.  Like the many times before, Ezzie, Lina and I sat down and played quietly for 45 minutes.  I loved it, and clearly my kids loved it enough to focus on it without any fuss or fighting between them.

I forgot how much I enjoyed just playing play-dough.

I thought about this.  I realized I often forget.

When Jon and I put the kids down, we often find ourselves in the predicament of what to do.  Jon is usually all about wanting to play a game or play the Wii.  I typically just respond with not knowing what I want to do, but not wanting to play a game (2 people is too small of a group!), or the Wii (it just seems like so much work!).

But, when I agree to do something other than watching a show (my preference is MASH, a brainless quirky show, or a cooking show), I find I love it.  I realize I forgot how much I loved it.

I am very indecisive.  Not because I don't have an opinion.  I am just really afraid of making decisions, and making the wrong choices.  I often feel really insecure about having an opinion, and then find myself confused by what I actually want.

I am still growing in even knowing myself, and what I prefer - 31 years of experience in this... too bad there isn't a job I can apply for :)

I love learning through my kids.  The other day play dough made me stop and think.  Next time Jon and I are discussing what to do, and I am not sick, I might even be the one to suggest playing the Wii or playing a game :)

Happy 18 months to my Lina-Beena

A year and a half ago - Sept 29, 2010 - our sweet Lina Annette came into the world.  What a day that was.  We had the most amazing midwife and nurses.  It was a hard labor, but she did come out, big and chunky and posterior - 8'15.6"  Now she is a skinny little bean who captures our hearts again and again.  She melts our hearts with her smiles, impromptu kisses, and cracks us up as she makes up her own jokes and laughs away.

We love our girl.  What a blessing.

Anger... what to do?

A few days ago, my feeling got hurt.  I was really mad at my friend.  I knew it immediately as I pulled away to head to work.

During college, I realized I was very good at sweeping my feelings under the rug, and found myself kicking myself daily for my struggles in relationships.  I viewed my feelings of frustration, anger, and hurt, as indicators of my failure, and I was utterly confused by what I even felt.  From my viewpoint, healthy people had no issues... I was alone in my struggles.  I would go months and weeks with nightmares and IBS issues, before I even realized something was wrong.  When I did figure it out, I would struggle for months on end before opening myself up to my friends.

After college God performed a miracle in my life.  I had started going to counseling due to a painful relationship I had just finished, and found myself facing a lot of my past I had pushed away.  That summer was hell.  I barely made it day to day.  At the end of the summer I went to a retreat.  There was nothing spectacular about it. However, I realized at the end of the weekend that I had not loathed myself daily... In the past, I had worked so hard to stop kicking myself, had asked God repeatedly to heal this part of me... and it never was taken.

However, he did take it away somewhere around the time of the retreat.  I have no idea why God chose then, but He did.

One of the things I realized through counseling was that I needed to let myself experience hurt, anger, disappointment etc.  This is so hard to do after a lifetime of denial and pushing things under the rug.

So, back to my friend.  After realizing my anger and hurt immediately, I let myself feel the emotions and work through them as best as I could on my end.  I took a risk, and called her the next day.  I shared with her that she hurt my feelings.  We worked through it.  It was incredible.  It was so freeing.

I am still afraid.  Very afraid of opening myself up.  I am very ready for the person on the receiving end to discount me, and reaffirm the lies I have believed that I am not worth being valued.  Rejection is so scary.

If it were not for God and the people He has placed in my life, I would not be moving towards health the way I am today.

Like many posts, I am wary that I will face the very issue I am sharing as soon as this is posted, but I can say I am grateful - even if it hurts more than I would every choose - I know I will grow.  I would rather grow and experience intense pain, then to bow out of struggling and live a life masked by happiness that is actually empty, self-loathing, and incredible sad.

Anger... what to do?

A few days ago, my feeling got hurt.  I was really mad at my friend.  I knew it immediately as I pulled away to head to work.

During college, I realized I was very good at sweeping my feelings under the rug, and found myself kicking myself daily for my struggles in relationships.  I viewed my feelings of frustration, anger, and hurt, as indicators of my failure, and I was utterly confused by what I even felt.  From my viewpoint, healthy people had no issues... I was alone in my struggles.  I would go months and weeks with nightmares and IBS issues, before I even realized something was wrong.  When I did figure it out, I would struggle for months on end before opening myself up to my friends.

After college God performed a miracle in my life.  I had started going to counseling due to a painful relationship I had just finished, and found myself facing a lot of my past I had pushed away.  That summer was hell.  I barely made it day to day.  At the end of the summer I went to a retreat.  There was nothing spectacular about it. However, I realized at the end of the weekend that I had not loathed myself daily... In the past, I had worked so hard to stop kicking myself, had asked God repeatedly to heal this part of me... and it never was taken.

However, he did take it away somewhere around the time of the retreat.  I have no idea why God chose then, but He did.

One of the things I realized through counseling was that I needed to let myself experience hurt, anger, disappointment etc.  This is so hard to do after a lifetime of denial and pushing things under the rug.

So, back to my friend.  After realizing my anger and hurt immediately, I let myself feel the emotions and work through them as best as I could on my end.  I took a risk, and called her the next day.  I shared with her that she hurt my feelings.  We worked through it.  It was incredible.  It was so freeing.

I am still afraid.  Very afraid of opening myself up.  I am very ready for the person on the receiving end to discount me, and reaffirm the lies I have believed that I am not worth being valued.  Rejection is so scary.

If it were not for God and the people He has placed in my life, I would not be moving towards health the way I am today.

Like many posts, I am wary that I will face the very issue I am sharing as soon as this is posted, but I can say I am grateful - even if it hurts more than I would every choose - I know I will grow.  I would rather grow and experience intense pain, then to bow out of struggling and live a life masked by happiness that is actually empty, self-loathing, and incredible sad.

Cuddler

Jon's walking put him to sleep

When Ezzie first came out of the womb, his eyes were big with curiosity.  I still remember that while he was first breastfeeding, he was looking at everything.  We soon discovered that Ezzie was happiest when he was being walked around.  As soon as we would sit down once he fell asleep, he would perk right back up and give a wail until we were walking again.  He was not much of a cuddler... he wanted to see the world.

With time, Ezzie is becoming more of a cuddler.  I LOVE it!  There are some downsides... he is more likely to be in our bed in the middle of the night is the main one.  However, there is something so precious about how if I lay down with him or a nap, he wants to hold my hand as he falls asleep.

Last night Ezzie had a horrid cough, high fever, and had really bad allergies from the day before.  We were up most of the night.  While I do like my sleep, I kept thinking about how much I love how he cuddles up.

Don't get me wrong, Ezzie still likes to see the world, and may only cuddle for a second when he is perfectly healthy... but he now loves to cuddle when he is sleeping, or just not feeling good.

Now Lina is a cuddler... who knows.. she may flip like him.. but I hope not :)

Painting... and learning some discipline

So, I finally painted the hallway!  The first color we bought was too pink, and the people at Sherwin Williams were awesome enough to change the color for us for free.  Jon's mom was tickled by the pink, but we weren't too keen on a blue kitchen attached to a pink hallway - sorry Marla!

Where in discipline-land does this affect us?  Well, we are working hard to pay off some debt, and to live better off our means.  Learning self-discipline has been hard for us both.  We aren't big spenders by any means, but we honestly have very little means to be any-type (even non-spenders) of spender.

This year we sat down and budgeted money into categories that are important for us.  Little by little we are saving up for traveling to see family, having medical money, home spending money, a bit of savings, etc.

So, to buy even a gallon of paint, non-clearanced... I keep checking the clearance section in hopes of coming across a gallon for 7 or less that would simply work... takes awhile to save-up for.  We did!  So, one more room done, and a contemplation for the front room going on.

Though the pictures aren't hung up yet and the trim isn't painted, hopefully you can see the difference before and after :)

BEFORE

AFTER