Cinco Revealed

So... we knew our ultrasound was coming up, and wanted to do something creative.  While we would have loved to have a gender-reveal party to celebrate with close friends and even family, Jon's travels didn't permit this.  After talking about our last ultrasounds, we both came to the agreement that we loved experiencing the gender ultrasound with one another and our kids... but we wanted to share our joy with people close to us in a fun way.

So, after some thinking, this is what we came up with:

Well, we went to our ultrasound and saw our little bundle of joy:

Our Cinco is a thumbsucker!

After seeing Cinco, we celebrated by buying him/her their going home outfit from the hospital with the kids.  We then ate a yummy steak dinner, walked around Hobby Lobby and headed home.

Once home we made our fun cards.. and scratched off our question mark to reveal to you the gender of Cinco :)

Choices

I posted a picture of a 12 week-old fetus, and a friend of mine shared it on her page.  I was really impacted by how perfectly formed a 12 week-old fetus is.  I was also struck, once again, by the confusion people have as to whether a baby is a blob of cells at this point, or a baby.  To me, it is simple.  However, not everyone is me.

One woman commented about the post being anti-choice.  After thinking through what to say, I realized that, no, this wasn't about being anti-choice - it was about educating people on the choices they make.

I began thinking about what abortions entailed as a 9th grader.  I did a presentation, and honestly, I am not sure how I stomached it.  Maybe not really having the internet and accessible pictures saved me - or maybe I was just more insensitive to that kind of stuff before.

Anyways, I digress.

I really walked away from a small facebook conversation wondering how much of a battle is placed because people try to tell others they cannot make their own choices.  I know when someone tells me I can't make a choice it infuriates me - in my mind they have no right to tell me what I can and cannot choose.

I wonder how much the pro-life, or should I say anti-abortion, movement has fueled this fire.

To me, pro-life is not the equivalent of anti-abortion.  Being pro-life entails valuing people through respect, kindness, and fairness.  I believe in justice, being firm, issuing consequences, etc., but when you value others it is shown in your attitude and how you interact with them.  Being anti-abortion is simply being against abortion.  As shown through so many demonstrations and actions, and simply how people live towards others, it is sadly obvious that there are many people who are against abortion, but not for life.

People have choices, and others do not have the right to tell them they cannot make choices.  However, this does not mean that people do not have consequences for their choices - both good and bad.

Just like my children have consequences, so do I as an adult.  Sometimes the consequences in my life are beautiful, sometimes I want to run away from them, because they feel horrible.  However, they are mine, and I need to live with them and through them.  I also need to realize my choices impact others, and consider this when making them.  I am not an island.  However, when I make choices, and have consequences, both good and bad, I need others to walk with me.

While I am not a proponent of abortion, I would not turn my back on someone because they had an abortion or were considering it.  To be truly pro-life, and have life as a consequence of my choices, I choose to love others - even if I don't understand.  Even if I don't agree.  There is a no formula for how this works, and I can't say I would never or always ________, but if I am a true valuer of life - this will be what drives my decisions and how I interact/treat others.

It is hard to really value life and others.  I do wonder how much more people actually valuing others would impact them than people trying to prove their point through acts that demoralize, disrespect, unnecessarily hurt, and devalue others.

There are so many more issues than abortion.. there is neglect, abuse, acts of hatred, etc.  If we really valued one another, I think these issues would be null.  Sadly, this is not a reality for our world - which makes me sad.  But, hey, I can impact my small world around me.  I'm not perfect, but I love the best I can, and work hard to value others.

Pain: Are you a Leper and/or Paralytic?

I have been chewing on something for awhile.  On facebook, a dear friend posted this link:  http://us4.campaign-archive.com/?u=1b9db7cc806d7872a056ae190&id=f1fe152d89.  It is titled: The Healing of the Leper and the Paralytic.  Before I write more, I must say it is probably better for you to read it yourself than rely on my summary :)  Basically, the author discusses how when the Leper was healed, the person went from a loss of feeling and pain, to having these senses restored.  The Paralytic went from experiencing excruciating pain that was not an indicator of a problem, but the problem itself, to no longer experiencing this excessive pain.  The point of the author was the restoration of each to a true experience of pain/feeling - and this is good.

Pain is an indicator that something is wrong.  Like the leper, if we are so deadened to our emotions/feeling/experiences, we do not experience this pain that is an indicator of a problem.  If we are constantly reading more into our experiences and feeling things that aren't even a result of reality, we are experiencing more pain than necessary, and probably in a state of constant confusion over why the reality of things don't line up with our experiences.

Like most people, pain is not something I like to experience.  I can see how pain has proven to be a great teacher, an indicator of something wrong, and a director to my need for healing after time.. but it takes time.  Lots of it.

I began thinking about how I respond to pain.  At first I could relate with the Leper.  I often struggle to let myself experience my own emotions and such when caught in the middle of a situation.  In college I realized that I often would get physically sick as a result of stress and problems months after it occurred.  Today I am not nearly this bad, but I usually do not even realize I feel pain until after a conversation or an event has occurred.

I also realized I am very much like the Paralytic as a result of my Leper-ness.  I often find myself imaging the worst-case scenerio later, and feel every emotion under the sun - and, yes, they are definitely not necessary. I stress into the evenings, and stress.  For me, this is a way I protect myself.  Since I struggle with knowing my pain in the moment, I want to have a handbag of ways to respond in case I am faced with something later.. and no, this method never works!

I see the author's point, and my heart resonates with the desire for me to experience pain as is healthy - the type of pain that is an accurate picture of reality, and brings with it steps towards health and healing.

Recently, I have been walking through some hurt.  I have found myself bouncing around between a Leper and Paralytic by this author's analogy.  However, I have been so encouraged by the challenge in this article.  I have been praying for God to heal the hurt that is caused, for direction on whether there is anything I need to do, finding my strength in God to step out of my wild imagination, and asking God to use this pain for good.  I wish I could say this experience was lovely.. but, honestly, while I am grateful for growing, I still do not like pain.

As I work through my own things, I always think of my kids - as you read every time you link to this blog :)  I still remember a quote that went something like this: Become who your want your children to become.  Since my years in college, this has stuck with me.  In so many ways they are my inspiration to become healthier.. even if that means being more vulnerable, taking more risks, and going through pain - the kind that corrects my bad patterns of Leperness and Parlyticalness (word???), and the kind that is a true indicator of what is wrong and needs healing and fixing.

Family visits

About 10 days before Jon's parents were set to arrive, we began talking about their visit with Ezzie.  He was super excited, and would talk about how many days were left until Grandma and Grandpa got here.

As I painted the guest room, and we set things up we talked about how they would be sleeping in this room.

As we drove to the airport, Ezzie would squeeze his eyes shut when told to go to sleep so he would see Grandma and Grandpa soon, and then open them to sneak a look at me.  When I would catch his eyes, he would get this super excited expression on his face, and we would just share a smile.

Needless to say - Ezzie was excited.  Lina - well, she isn't really old enough to quite understand.

Our families live quite a distance from us.  So, visits are not too frequent.  We enjoy the visits.  However, we are sad to see how we lack the day-to-day familiarity with schedules and being used to being around each other that comes with living close by.  Yet - we are thankful too that it doesn't take too long to adjust.  Hence, the life of living far from family.

One of Jon and my concerns is that our kids don't really know their extended family.  This trip has really touched my heart in regards to this topic.  Ezzie has been spilling over with excitement, and he wants to take advantage of every moment he has with his grandparents.  Thankfully they are good sports, and play plenty of games with him - I'm sure they are developing a love for Chutes and Ladders much like my own :)

Lina has been fun to watch too.  She was quiet at first, but as soon as her Grandpa started making Donald Duck noises, her reserves were lifted, and she warmed up.  She has called him duck a few time.

My kids challenge me.  I am often more reserved than not about how much I am excited to see people, how much I care about them, etc.  I am shy - meaning, I do have a fear about how people perceive me, and am afraid of being rejected when I am being vulnerable.  However, watching my kids reminds me of how it is so beautiful and life-giving to just express emotions and the reality of where I am at.

I love seeing how their gifts of being candid bless others around them.

Ah.. kids.

We have 5 more days with Jon's parents.  It is so nice to have so much time with them.  Here's hoping for more family time.  We're hoping to head to see my family in the fall.  I'm not too sure how much more travel we will be doing by flying after that, but I am grateful for one more trip in the radar.

Spend less than $30 for all supplies needed to paint 2 or more rooms!

I, by no means, am a professional painter.  I have, however been painting our house room by room.  I've also helped other people paint, and have learned a few things that you may find interesting if your time is your money.

I just recently finished painting my entire living room - average size - and 3/4 of our guest room - with about 1/5th of a gallon of paint to spare.  I still remember talking with a good friend about how a paint company told her his estimation of painting 3 walls of a bedroom would take 2-3 gallons of paint... wow.  With that average, and paying full price for paint, it would cost me way more than $30 for all of my supplies.

One of my discoveries was the amazingness of the small foam rollers.  I bought one for our closets and bathrooms to use when painting.  I noticed that there was less paint waste overall.

When I paint a room with these rollers, it definitely takes 2 coats.  However, even when I have bought paint and primer and painted my walls the way the paint stores dictate, I still have about 2 coats of paint I have to put up.

Overall, it may take a little longer, but not by much.  In under 3 hours I completed the edging and painting of all coats to our guest bedroom - by myself.

Another amazing tool I discovered was the paint edger.  Watch out - this tool may become your best friend. It slides smoothly on the wall, and leaves a crisp line where the ceiling/wall meet the painted wall.  It also absorbs an amazing amount of paint (but doesn't waste), and is awesome for using to paint small sections, or to touch walls up.  Make sure you run the edger over the edge of the paint on the wall to keep it from being a distinct line on your wall.

For all of the supplies, of which the paint is really the only thing you will need to replenish for your other rooms - the roller and edger last a long time, and the refills are super cheap - your start-up cost is less than $30 (taxes included).  See the breakdown below:

Paint Pan: ~$2
Aluminum Foil (This saves your paint tray, and also keeps the paint wetter if you need to cover with saran wrap overnight.  When you are done - throw away with no pan to clean or toss!)
Foam Roller, and Refills (2): ~$11

Gallon of Oops paint (at Lowe's, Home Depot, Ace Hardware, etc): ~$6
Paint Edger (this is my favorite) and refills (2): ~$8

I hope you too can paint without being too hard on your wallet.  I recommend listening to your favorite music and simply enjoying the time with you and your paint - it is very therapeutic :)

No matter the choice... I love you.

Today one of my students interviewed me about parenting.  While the questions weren't too bad overall, I found myself nervous.  It is not that I don't share things with my students - I just don't share a lot about myself or my family - unless there is a one-on-one conversation where my life has impact.  I feel exposed and vulnerable - especially with my students - I have this fear that they will use my personal sharing against me.

Today I was surprised by this revelation as I sat uncomfortably answering questions.

As my student asking the question, and a couple others were listening in (anything is more fun than school - right?) - I found them responding with looks and comments that communicated how touched they were by some of my answers.  I had to hold back tears.

I just felt proud.  Like there was something in this parenting thing that I am doing ok in -even good.

One of the things that had a deep impact comes from a song I sing to my kids that is partially made up, and a statement that can be heard frequently around our house... depending on how hard of a day the kids, or I, are having.

It is this (when they make the bad choice):  I (Mommy) love you no matter what bad choice you make.
It is this (when I make the bad choice - imagine that! ;)):  We love each other even when we make bad choices.  Even when Mommy makes bad choices.

We make things right.

We choose to love - no matter what.

One of my students asked me how I would respond if my kids turned out like "them."  Her question made me so sad.  In my mind, there is no "them."  They are there for reasons, yes.  Many of them need help, yes.  But that makes them no less valuable.

I told her I would love my kids anyways, and stay by their side through whatever they needed to walk through.

I am in no way perfect.  My irritability could win me some awards these days - didn't realize how much being preggo would affect me this time around.

I really don't want to be - though honestly I still struggle with the pressure to be so when I am around other people, especially moms, who come across as having it all together.  I also struggle to believe I am anything if I am not perfect, and even if I was perfect it would be a toss up if I was valuable at all.

My kids don't need my perfection.  They need my honesty, vulnerability, humility, failures to walk through, and broken love that continues to try again.

I hope I can open up a little more with my students.  I am trying.  It is just hard to expose the things most important to me when I know how students can use them to hurt teachers.  I think they are worth that risk.

I hope the conversations had today about parenting when I was sharing will stay with those girls, and that they will come to value and love themselves, and believe that others do that for them too.

I still have a long way to go in valuing myself, and loving myself, and believing that anyone else really would too.  But I know that I can trust God with loving me even when I make bad choices.  Not because I can turn around and make a good choice - but because he loves me... not what I do or don't do.

Cinco De...