Happy 18 months to my Lina-Beena

A year and a half ago - Sept 29, 2010 - our sweet Lina Annette came into the world.  What a day that was.  We had the most amazing midwife and nurses.  It was a hard labor, but she did come out, big and chunky and posterior - 8'15.6"  Now she is a skinny little bean who captures our hearts again and again.  She melts our hearts with her smiles, impromptu kisses, and cracks us up as she makes up her own jokes and laughs away.

We love our girl.  What a blessing.

Anger... what to do?

A few days ago, my feeling got hurt.  I was really mad at my friend.  I knew it immediately as I pulled away to head to work.

During college, I realized I was very good at sweeping my feelings under the rug, and found myself kicking myself daily for my struggles in relationships.  I viewed my feelings of frustration, anger, and hurt, as indicators of my failure, and I was utterly confused by what I even felt.  From my viewpoint, healthy people had no issues... I was alone in my struggles.  I would go months and weeks with nightmares and IBS issues, before I even realized something was wrong.  When I did figure it out, I would struggle for months on end before opening myself up to my friends.

After college God performed a miracle in my life.  I had started going to counseling due to a painful relationship I had just finished, and found myself facing a lot of my past I had pushed away.  That summer was hell.  I barely made it day to day.  At the end of the summer I went to a retreat.  There was nothing spectacular about it. However, I realized at the end of the weekend that I had not loathed myself daily... In the past, I had worked so hard to stop kicking myself, had asked God repeatedly to heal this part of me... and it never was taken.

However, he did take it away somewhere around the time of the retreat.  I have no idea why God chose then, but He did.

One of the things I realized through counseling was that I needed to let myself experience hurt, anger, disappointment etc.  This is so hard to do after a lifetime of denial and pushing things under the rug.

So, back to my friend.  After realizing my anger and hurt immediately, I let myself feel the emotions and work through them as best as I could on my end.  I took a risk, and called her the next day.  I shared with her that she hurt my feelings.  We worked through it.  It was incredible.  It was so freeing.

I am still afraid.  Very afraid of opening myself up.  I am very ready for the person on the receiving end to discount me, and reaffirm the lies I have believed that I am not worth being valued.  Rejection is so scary.

If it were not for God and the people He has placed in my life, I would not be moving towards health the way I am today.

Like many posts, I am wary that I will face the very issue I am sharing as soon as this is posted, but I can say I am grateful - even if it hurts more than I would every choose - I know I will grow.  I would rather grow and experience intense pain, then to bow out of struggling and live a life masked by happiness that is actually empty, self-loathing, and incredible sad.

Anger... what to do?

A few days ago, my feeling got hurt.  I was really mad at my friend.  I knew it immediately as I pulled away to head to work.

During college, I realized I was very good at sweeping my feelings under the rug, and found myself kicking myself daily for my struggles in relationships.  I viewed my feelings of frustration, anger, and hurt, as indicators of my failure, and I was utterly confused by what I even felt.  From my viewpoint, healthy people had no issues... I was alone in my struggles.  I would go months and weeks with nightmares and IBS issues, before I even realized something was wrong.  When I did figure it out, I would struggle for months on end before opening myself up to my friends.

After college God performed a miracle in my life.  I had started going to counseling due to a painful relationship I had just finished, and found myself facing a lot of my past I had pushed away.  That summer was hell.  I barely made it day to day.  At the end of the summer I went to a retreat.  There was nothing spectacular about it. However, I realized at the end of the weekend that I had not loathed myself daily... In the past, I had worked so hard to stop kicking myself, had asked God repeatedly to heal this part of me... and it never was taken.

However, he did take it away somewhere around the time of the retreat.  I have no idea why God chose then, but He did.

One of the things I realized through counseling was that I needed to let myself experience hurt, anger, disappointment etc.  This is so hard to do after a lifetime of denial and pushing things under the rug.

So, back to my friend.  After realizing my anger and hurt immediately, I let myself feel the emotions and work through them as best as I could on my end.  I took a risk, and called her the next day.  I shared with her that she hurt my feelings.  We worked through it.  It was incredible.  It was so freeing.

I am still afraid.  Very afraid of opening myself up.  I am very ready for the person on the receiving end to discount me, and reaffirm the lies I have believed that I am not worth being valued.  Rejection is so scary.

If it were not for God and the people He has placed in my life, I would not be moving towards health the way I am today.

Like many posts, I am wary that I will face the very issue I am sharing as soon as this is posted, but I can say I am grateful - even if it hurts more than I would every choose - I know I will grow.  I would rather grow and experience intense pain, then to bow out of struggling and live a life masked by happiness that is actually empty, self-loathing, and incredible sad.

Cuddler

Jon's walking put him to sleep

When Ezzie first came out of the womb, his eyes were big with curiosity.  I still remember that while he was first breastfeeding, he was looking at everything.  We soon discovered that Ezzie was happiest when he was being walked around.  As soon as we would sit down once he fell asleep, he would perk right back up and give a wail until we were walking again.  He was not much of a cuddler... he wanted to see the world.

With time, Ezzie is becoming more of a cuddler.  I LOVE it!  There are some downsides... he is more likely to be in our bed in the middle of the night is the main one.  However, there is something so precious about how if I lay down with him or a nap, he wants to hold my hand as he falls asleep.

Last night Ezzie had a horrid cough, high fever, and had really bad allergies from the day before.  We were up most of the night.  While I do like my sleep, I kept thinking about how much I love how he cuddles up.

Don't get me wrong, Ezzie still likes to see the world, and may only cuddle for a second when he is perfectly healthy... but he now loves to cuddle when he is sleeping, or just not feeling good.

Now Lina is a cuddler... who knows.. she may flip like him.. but I hope not :)

Painting... and learning some discipline

So, I finally painted the hallway!  The first color we bought was too pink, and the people at Sherwin Williams were awesome enough to change the color for us for free.  Jon's mom was tickled by the pink, but we weren't too keen on a blue kitchen attached to a pink hallway - sorry Marla!

Where in discipline-land does this affect us?  Well, we are working hard to pay off some debt, and to live better off our means.  Learning self-discipline has been hard for us both.  We aren't big spenders by any means, but we honestly have very little means to be any-type (even non-spenders) of spender.

This year we sat down and budgeted money into categories that are important for us.  Little by little we are saving up for traveling to see family, having medical money, home spending money, a bit of savings, etc.

So, to buy even a gallon of paint, non-clearanced... I keep checking the clearance section in hopes of coming across a gallon for 7 or less that would simply work... takes awhile to save-up for.  We did!  So, one more room done, and a contemplation for the front room going on.

Though the pictures aren't hung up yet and the trim isn't painted, hopefully you can see the difference before and after :)

BEFORE

AFTER

We try again...

While forgiveness and reconciliation are some things I have always believed to be essential in relationships, they are not things that have been experienced on a regular basis.  I am used to passivity.  I am used to hurt/problems being caused in a relationship, and one or both parties simply pushing it under the rug, and dancing around the pain/awkwardness caused.  

So, when pain or a problem has arisen in a relationship I have not known what to do.  Sure, I could advise you what to do... but knowing what to do, and actually walking through it are two different things.  Actually working through forgiveness and reconciliation are uncomfortable and costly when it comes down to it.  They require humility and vulnerability.  Risk is involved... will the other person leave?  Will they still want to have a relationship with me?  Am I worth working through problems and hurts to them?  Are they worth that to me?

I am an honest person.  I struggle with this characteristic.  I often feel like an odd duck who is willing to share her opinion, initiate a conversation that may be uncomfortable, or overcommunicate in the attempt to make sure that my verbal or non-verbal communication is not being misunderstood... I would not have learned these things if it had not been for the routine lessons that have come in being married to Jon, and having kids.

I want to share about how my kids are teaching me these things.

I feel very uncomfortable with knowing how to raise kids.  I read every book I can get my hands on, mentally take notes on parents around me, watch shows - I'm sure you get the point.  

However, practicing forgiveness with Ezzie began with Jon and I losing our cool when Ezzie was just around a week or so old.  Ezzie was undiagnosed with thrush, and we were miserable (he was officially diagnosed at about 5 weeks).  We were blowdrying his bum at all hours of the night while he screamed whenever any liquid would hit his horrid diaper rash.  Babies going liquid poop almost every time they pass anything didn't help!  We had no idea what was going on.  We were sleep deprived, and he had just been through the gammit of spinal taps, etc. at the hospital at 8 days old.

I couldn't handle his crying, and understood how parents could hurt their child.  Thank God almighty that this did not happen!  Jon came to my rescue, and I to his, as we both battled with this.  Everytime we would ask each other if we told Ezzie we were sorry.

We talked about forgiveness and reconciliation being among our top values in our home.  We had no idea how to really get comfortable with them, but God gave us wisdom in those early moments to say we were sorry to Ezzie.  

To say, "I forgive you," is one of the hardest things for me to say.  I struggle with the belief that I have no right to forgive others, because I deserve whatever pain comes to me.

Practice really does help.

Supernanny was my inspiration for how to go about disciplining.  I love how systematic it is, and how reconciling is the point.

Step 1:  Warn Ezzie that a consequence will be issued (unless it is an automatic consequence)

Step 2:  When Ezzie disobeys or continues on, tell him to go to timeout

Step 3:  After his alloted time, go and sit down with him eye-to-eye and talk about why he was in timeout - and when I overreact, we talk about this too, and I say I am sorry and ask him to forgive me.  

Step 4:  Ezzie needs to make it right with whoever/whatever was wronged

Step 5:  If Ezzie had to reconcile with someone else, he comes back to me.  We hug, say we love each other, and we kiss.  He or we both try again.... we try again... 

We try again... so powerful... I see it each time in how his face lights up...

I struggle with going through this process with friends and family.  I often will try to work through everything on my side, choose to forgive, and just keep struggling.  I am scared to lose people.. I am scared I will be too much, and will realize through being honest that I am not valued by them.  However, Jon and my kids, on a daily basis, give me the courage to love others more.

Isn't that what it all comes down to?  Loving others more than I care about being right, them not loving me anymore, my fear of losing people, etc.  

I wish it was easy to emotionally know this, but it is not.

Today Ezzie knocked over his milk.  Again.  Annoying.  No, I didn't cry, but I lost my cool.  I was angry.  The milk got on a book I was borrowing, and I was just angry.

When I sat down after cleaning it up.. I knew my reaction was wrong.  I asked Ezzie to forgive me.  He did.  We held hands for a bit.  

I thank God for Ezzie.  I thank Him for Jon and Lina, and how I have a safe place to practice forgiveness and reconciliation on a daily basis.  I thank Him for humility.  

I am so grateful I get to try again... 

Expressions

Lina has added a new expression to her repertoire.  I call it the scowl.  She scrunches up her little forehead, and gets this annoyed look in her eyes.  I wonder if she is picking up the silly looks I give her and Ezzie when I am playing the part of being mad.. I atleast hope it is this, and not from when I am actually mad :)  I often will wiggle my finger at them with a gruff voice, as I tease them about doing something.  They find this hilarious.

Lina is in a new stage where she is imitating her brother more, and her mother too I guess :), and trying new words.  She also laughs more.  She is starting to get joking - she thinks that her saying "dog," and me saying "cat" is absolutely hilarious.

As I was giving her a bath tonight in our kitchen sink, I loved just taking in the little girl she is becoming.  While she can give me a run for my money in the stubborn category, she constantly draws me in with her tenderness, her laughter, and her humor.

As much as Ezzie is giving me a good workout in discipline, he wins me over with his gentleness, sweetness, and thoughtfulness.  

This may sound strange - but when he had his first haircut, I had a meltdown.  I think I may have blogged about it (?).  Tonight Jon shaved his head.  Rather than freaking out that he would become a punk-kid (yes, his first haircut really scared me), I found myself just staring at him, and smiling about how much I love my boy.  He is growing up so fast.

I am trying to take in every moment with them.  I know I can't carpe diem all the time - but, I sure as heck try to!  I may not remember all of the moments with my kids, but that isn't what I want.  I want to experience the moments with them - even if they do get forgotten.  My mind seems to be getting worse with time :)  There is something incredibly fulfilling about just experiencing life with my kids, rather than trying to remember everything.  Anyways, here are some fun pics to end the day with.

Lina taking a bath

Ezzie and Lina standing together

 Our Valentine's Day Pancakes

 Ezzie making cookies with me (with his newly shaved head :))