"... I was also telling my children over and over again not to trust their own perspectives but to rely on mine instead." - How to Talk So Kids will Listen & Listen So Kids will Talk - Faber and Mazlish
My mother-in-law sent me this book recently while Jon was traveling. It was a book recommended by one of my favorite mommy-ing blogs -
http://lisajobaker.com/ - or the Gypsy Mama.
I have been on a hiatus from reading. Why? I have no idea. For awhile I was plowing through multiple books at a time, so I may have just burnt out.
I got away Saturday night for some space, and hit up Target for my mommy-kidless-shopping-pleasure, and then Starbucks to read. I began the book. The first chapter focuses on helping children deal with their feelings. The book is really practical and encourages readers to engage in activities within and without the book.
This quote at the top was a part of one of the authors sharing her issues with her family that led to making changes in her communication with her kids. Basically she was negating her kids' feelings and correcting what they shared with her by telling them how they did or didn't feel. The statement above pulled me in. I could relate to the author from a child's perspective. My initial thought was that I didn't want to pass this on to my children. How tough this is!
Jon has taught me so much regarding the kids and their feelings. I have watched him and taken in how he helps give Ezzie words to his feelings, and have learned from him how to do this with Ezzie, and now with Lina.
Right now Ezzie is in a stage where he will be angry and try to use his words to hurt. He will say things he knows we don't like. We have had many conversations with him about it being ok to tell us he is mad at us, and that he doesn't want to do something, but that he shouldn't try to hurt us with his words. It is a hard thing to teach, and a narrow line to walk in encouraging him to develop his voice and also teaching him boundaries with the words he chooses to use.
While we are doing pretty good at having an open line of communication with Ezzie, and really listening to him, the author's point takes Jon and I to another level - a place of not negating the feelings Ezzie has. A place of making sure that we don't tell him how he does and does not feel. A place of recognizing that just as we want our feelings to be viewed as valid - even when they are not a correct perception of reality - we need to honor our children in the same way.
If we don't we risk causing what the author notes in her statement - we make them dependent on us for how they see themselves, how they feel, decisions they make - and we basically make them question themselves at every turn. We don't want that.
Today was the first day after reading this, and I found myself thinking more about my responses, especially to Ezzie, and also listening for Jon's. While we both have been doing a good job of rooting each other on in valuing our children in their perspectives, we definitely can do a better job when it comes to this concept of not placing our perspectives on our children.
Tonight Ezzie was mad at Jon. Ezzie had coughed in his sister's face on purpose, threw a fit when Jon talked to him about it, and as a consequence had to get out of the bath. He continued on with comment after comment about things he didn't like - all things he knows he daddy loves. Jon and I were really stretched in responding to him, and not telling him - "oh, you love those things" - but, instead, asking him why and talking with him.
Oh, to be a parent is so hard. We want to be perfect. We want to raise our kids so that they always feel loved, valued, encouraged, challenged, etc... and know that we never failed them.. but we do.
But, I keep remembering, we try again. We give ourselves grace, we apologize and make right, we reach out and love even when it is hard. We do this because we want out kids to do this with others, and we need it ourselves.
I don't want our kids' perceptions to be rooted in Jon or I. Jon and I desire for our kids to learn to rely on God's view of them, and for them to learn how to let truths guide them in how they live. Things like treating people with kindness, even when they aren't kind; forgiving others; drawing healthy boundaries with people who are unsafe; communicating openly and honestly; respecting themselves, respecting others; loving God; living a life of justice and compassion; knowing when sacrifice is necessary; valuing life.. etc.
This is just a gold nugget I came across that has challenged Jon and I. I hope it challenges and encourages you too - whether or not you are raising kids. I find what the author has shared challenging in my adult relationships as well, and have begun to pay more attention to whether I really listen to others - rather than trying to fix things right away. I like to fix things :)
