As time continues to run forward, I instinctively want to stop time. There is a common message from the generation that has gone before me that this stage goes by fast. My children won't be little for very long. I should appreciate it. While I may not feel like appreciating it, I trust their voices. I can see what they mean even if time seems to be a big mess in my mind at this point. When I look at my youngest I can see reflections of my oldest when he was her age. I tear up - a lot. I especially tear up when I look at their hands. Their sweet hands that are growing bigger in my own each day.
Tonight Ezzie opened his arms wide for me when I was putting them down for the 3rd time (yes, they like to have reasons to be up or making noise). As I nestled into him, and he into me, I commented on his beautiful bright blue eyes. He then proceeded to say, "Mommy, I would never choose another mommy to be my mommy. (Pause) Would you ever choose another boy to be your Ezzie?" My obvious response: "Never. I only choose you."
And I paused. I felt both joy and hurt in one moment. Joy that we love each other so deeply, and hurt over the future that is a moment away. The thoughts of others hurting and rejecting him flooded my heart. The inevitable reality everyone faces. And my heart was filled with pain. Pain that is so strong that even as I type this I tear up. However, a thought struck me: I can give him the gift of always being chosen, wanted, and loved by his mom. I can never, and will never be all he needs. My love, cherishing, and choosing won't take away the sting of pain that awaits him. But.. I have hope. I have hope that what I can give him in these younger years and throughout his life - even though our relationship will grow and change - will build in him this intuitive intrinsice sense of being chosen, cherished and loved. To know you are loved, cherished, and chosen is such a gift. This gift is one that I am so grateful to be able to give to my kids.
