Use your words...

How many times have we said this to Ezzie?  Jon has been phenomenal at helping Ezzie learn to identify his emotions.  I have learned so much through watching him with Ezzie.  It has been amazing to see how teaching Ezzie to use his words helps minimize the fits, acting out, etc.  Moreso, it has helped him feel understood to have words to describe what he is feeling or going through, and then for us to come alongside him.

We teach our kids to be so healthy in their communication when they are young.  Shoot - my son is learning to communicate with his friends better than me!

It seems like when it comes to hurt feelings, disappointments, anger, frustration, etc., that there is a silent understanding among adults to keep it to ourselves.  However, most of us then turn around hypocritically and want our kids to communicate well with their friends and family.  To tell them when they don't like something, when they get hurt, etc.

Kids do so good.. even when we stink.. well, for awhile.

I have heard it said time and time again - our actions are the greatest teacher our kids have, not our words.

I want to be healthy in relationships, and having kids gives me a greater encouragement to do so.  While Jon and my words are very helpful in guiding Ezzie into communicating well with others about his feelings, needs and experiences, they will only be effective to a degree.

For the most part, Jon and I have grown in communicating well with one another about all of this kind of stuff.  It is with others that this is very hard.

To say: "My feelings are hurt," to someone is a near impossibility.  I am so afraid my friend will hear this and run in the opposite direction.  I am afraid that when things aren't right that it is not ok.  For the most part, it is unacceptable.  Especially here in the south, where a plastered smile and a quiet tongue around the person of offense is encouraged, while talking about them behind their backs later is fine.

It seems we revert - we throw our own adult-sized fits.  We either blow up, internalize, deaden ourselves to our actual feelings, etc.

I am so grateful for friends who are trying to be healthy.  They are the ones who challenge me when I am too stuck to even know where to begin communicating with my words.

I especially have a great respect for people who are willing to point out to me where I hurt them, disappointed them, etc.  There is something incredibly healing in this.. sounds funny, huh?  For me, this communicates that I am worth their vulnerability.  When my friends have done this, a door has been open for more intimate communication.  Walls have come down.

I cannot imagine being competent enough, secure enough, or completely comfortable with communicating my feelings with other - or using my words.  However, I know I will continue to grow.

This is actually what I want most for my children.  I want them to see a mother and father who were willing to grow and be challenged.

This is actually something I really respect about my mom.  As much as we have butted heads, and not connected on so many levels over the years, I am so grateful for her example in growing.  She has grown so much since I first met her when I was 4 (I was adopted for those of you who may be a bit confused right now).  Her willingness, and even choosing to grow when she didn't want to, is so beautiful to me.  I wonder how much my own desire to grow and become healthier has been in large part to seeing these actions over the years, and emulating them myself.

Actions speak louder than words.  Just like we work with Ezzie on using his words, we too must practice using our words.. however scary it is.

Sure, people may not respond well to honesty and vulnerability - but true friends will walk with you hand in hand through it - however uncomfortable.  Sometimes I don't want to chance finding out someone isn't really my friend, or even to be able to discern where this may be a struggle for them and not my issue, but this is a risk I need to take more often.

Our kids are watching - my words are only so good.

A tend towards introversion

Awhile ago I came across a link on my friend's facebook page about the 10 myths about introverts: http://www.carlkingdom.com/10-myths-about-introverts .  As I read the list I was struck by how much of an introvert I truly am.  I then borrowed that same friend's book: The Introvert Advantage.  I began to feel more normal.

With reading about introversion a little more, I also found myself challenged in my relationships... especially with out-going extroverts.

There was one friend who really stood out in particular.  She was a friend who overwhelmed me with her over-exuberance of care for me, and I felt very uncomfortable being so sought after as a friend.  While this part had nothing to do with being an extrovert, the rest did.  She had a ton of friends.  She was very busy in life.  I was a small segment of her life.  Space came easily for her, and I soon found myself confused by her.  When we hung out, it was as if we were sisters and best friends.  Then time would go by, even though we lived close to one another, and I would wonder why we didn't talk more regularly.

For me, I love getting to know new people, but for the friends who seem to become like sisters, I want to share daily life, and to connect with them regularly.  I don't have a ton of these friends who live nearby, currently, but I value those I have so deeply...

Some of the characteristics which differentiate between an introvert and an extrovert are breadth and depth.  An extrovert is more of a breadth friend, who may go deep with friends, but is spread more thin - more is more.  An introvert tends to go deeper with few, while she may have others who she doesn't go as deep with.

So, where was the epiphany in all of this?  Well, my feelings got hurt... really hurt.  I questioned my friend's genuineness in her care for me.  I questioned her words.  I questioned her reaching out.  I felt it was a front.  I cried many nights over feeling unloved by this friend who had struck me dumb with her affection when we first became friends.  I cried because I felt like I finally trusted her, and then she seemed to disappear, and then jump back on the grid as if time had not been a factor.  I felt unfair in even bring this to her attention.

Over reading up on introversion, I came to peace with her.  Her relationships are all genuine.  Her heart is really big.  I can see that she loves me just as much as she says, but she is not like me in her relational needs with me.

That is the hard thing... how do you reconcile these differences?

Sometimes I wish I was more of an extrovert so that I wouldn't feel the pain I feel, but then I have to remind myself that being an extrovert doesn't numb you of pain.  I have to remind myself that my needs are also beautiful and valid.

I still get my feelings hurt easily by people who are of the extrovert persuasion, and tend to have more friends then I can count.  I wish I had the reconciling answer, and knew when to say something or not.  Even though I don't have the answers, I feel like I have a different perspective.  One that frees me from seeing myself of the failure in relationships, and lets me value others for who they are in my life... I wish this knowledge could just perfect itself in me so relationships could be much easier.. but it doesn't.

I hate overgeneralizing, and defining people into groups, but I appreciate distinctions.  I appreciate the truths that stretch me to love deeper, and love better.

Realizations in Play-Dough

The other day I pulled out the play-dough.  Like the many times before, Ezzie, Lina and I sat down and played quietly for 45 minutes.  I loved it, and clearly my kids loved it enough to focus on it without any fuss or fighting between them.

I forgot how much I enjoyed just playing play-dough.

I thought about this.  I realized I often forget.

When Jon and I put the kids down, we often find ourselves in the predicament of what to do.  Jon is usually all about wanting to play a game or play the Wii.  I typically just respond with not knowing what I want to do, but not wanting to play a game (2 people is too small of a group!), or the Wii (it just seems like so much work!).

But, when I agree to do something other than watching a show (my preference is MASH, a brainless quirky show, or a cooking show), I find I love it.  I realize I forgot how much I loved it.

I am very indecisive.  Not because I don't have an opinion.  I am just really afraid of making decisions, and making the wrong choices.  I often feel really insecure about having an opinion, and then find myself confused by what I actually want.

I am still growing in even knowing myself, and what I prefer - 31 years of experience in this... too bad there isn't a job I can apply for :)

I love learning through my kids.  The other day play dough made me stop and think.  Next time Jon and I are discussing what to do, and I am not sick, I might even be the one to suggest playing the Wii or playing a game :)