We try again...

While forgiveness and reconciliation are some things I have always believed to be essential in relationships, they are not things that have been experienced on a regular basis.  I am used to passivity.  I am used to hurt/problems being caused in a relationship, and one or both parties simply pushing it under the rug, and dancing around the pain/awkwardness caused.  

So, when pain or a problem has arisen in a relationship I have not known what to do.  Sure, I could advise you what to do... but knowing what to do, and actually walking through it are two different things.  Actually working through forgiveness and reconciliation are uncomfortable and costly when it comes down to it.  They require humility and vulnerability.  Risk is involved... will the other person leave?  Will they still want to have a relationship with me?  Am I worth working through problems and hurts to them?  Are they worth that to me?

I am an honest person.  I struggle with this characteristic.  I often feel like an odd duck who is willing to share her opinion, initiate a conversation that may be uncomfortable, or overcommunicate in the attempt to make sure that my verbal or non-verbal communication is not being misunderstood... I would not have learned these things if it had not been for the routine lessons that have come in being married to Jon, and having kids.

I want to share about how my kids are teaching me these things.

I feel very uncomfortable with knowing how to raise kids.  I read every book I can get my hands on, mentally take notes on parents around me, watch shows - I'm sure you get the point.  

However, practicing forgiveness with Ezzie began with Jon and I losing our cool when Ezzie was just around a week or so old.  Ezzie was undiagnosed with thrush, and we were miserable (he was officially diagnosed at about 5 weeks).  We were blowdrying his bum at all hours of the night while he screamed whenever any liquid would hit his horrid diaper rash.  Babies going liquid poop almost every time they pass anything didn't help!  We had no idea what was going on.  We were sleep deprived, and he had just been through the gammit of spinal taps, etc. at the hospital at 8 days old.

I couldn't handle his crying, and understood how parents could hurt their child.  Thank God almighty that this did not happen!  Jon came to my rescue, and I to his, as we both battled with this.  Everytime we would ask each other if we told Ezzie we were sorry.

We talked about forgiveness and reconciliation being among our top values in our home.  We had no idea how to really get comfortable with them, but God gave us wisdom in those early moments to say we were sorry to Ezzie.  

To say, "I forgive you," is one of the hardest things for me to say.  I struggle with the belief that I have no right to forgive others, because I deserve whatever pain comes to me.

Practice really does help.

Supernanny was my inspiration for how to go about disciplining.  I love how systematic it is, and how reconciling is the point.

Step 1:  Warn Ezzie that a consequence will be issued (unless it is an automatic consequence)

Step 2:  When Ezzie disobeys or continues on, tell him to go to timeout

Step 3:  After his alloted time, go and sit down with him eye-to-eye and talk about why he was in timeout - and when I overreact, we talk about this too, and I say I am sorry and ask him to forgive me.  

Step 4:  Ezzie needs to make it right with whoever/whatever was wronged

Step 5:  If Ezzie had to reconcile with someone else, he comes back to me.  We hug, say we love each other, and we kiss.  He or we both try again.... we try again... 

We try again... so powerful... I see it each time in how his face lights up...

I struggle with going through this process with friends and family.  I often will try to work through everything on my side, choose to forgive, and just keep struggling.  I am scared to lose people.. I am scared I will be too much, and will realize through being honest that I am not valued by them.  However, Jon and my kids, on a daily basis, give me the courage to love others more.

Isn't that what it all comes down to?  Loving others more than I care about being right, them not loving me anymore, my fear of losing people, etc.  

I wish it was easy to emotionally know this, but it is not.

Today Ezzie knocked over his milk.  Again.  Annoying.  No, I didn't cry, but I lost my cool.  I was angry.  The milk got on a book I was borrowing, and I was just angry.

When I sat down after cleaning it up.. I knew my reaction was wrong.  I asked Ezzie to forgive me.  He did.  We held hands for a bit.  

I thank God for Ezzie.  I thank Him for Jon and Lina, and how I have a safe place to practice forgiveness and reconciliation on a daily basis.  I thank Him for humility.  

I am so grateful I get to try again... 

Expressions

Lina has added a new expression to her repertoire.  I call it the scowl.  She scrunches up her little forehead, and gets this annoyed look in her eyes.  I wonder if she is picking up the silly looks I give her and Ezzie when I am playing the part of being mad.. I atleast hope it is this, and not from when I am actually mad :)  I often will wiggle my finger at them with a gruff voice, as I tease them about doing something.  They find this hilarious.

Lina is in a new stage where she is imitating her brother more, and her mother too I guess :), and trying new words.  She also laughs more.  She is starting to get joking - she thinks that her saying "dog," and me saying "cat" is absolutely hilarious.

As I was giving her a bath tonight in our kitchen sink, I loved just taking in the little girl she is becoming.  While she can give me a run for my money in the stubborn category, she constantly draws me in with her tenderness, her laughter, and her humor.

As much as Ezzie is giving me a good workout in discipline, he wins me over with his gentleness, sweetness, and thoughtfulness.  

This may sound strange - but when he had his first haircut, I had a meltdown.  I think I may have blogged about it (?).  Tonight Jon shaved his head.  Rather than freaking out that he would become a punk-kid (yes, his first haircut really scared me), I found myself just staring at him, and smiling about how much I love my boy.  He is growing up so fast.

I am trying to take in every moment with them.  I know I can't carpe diem all the time - but, I sure as heck try to!  I may not remember all of the moments with my kids, but that isn't what I want.  I want to experience the moments with them - even if they do get forgotten.  My mind seems to be getting worse with time :)  There is something incredibly fulfilling about just experiencing life with my kids, rather than trying to remember everything.  Anyways, here are some fun pics to end the day with.

Lina taking a bath

Ezzie and Lina standing together

 Our Valentine's Day Pancakes

 Ezzie making cookies with me (with his newly shaved head :))

Bathtime and Pandora

As I sit here listening to the kids playing in the bathtub with Jon supervising, and listening to Pandora (I love my "Once" station :)), I am struck by how much I love this night.

Truth be known, Jon and I got off to a rocky start this morning.  We had one of those silent phone conversations around lunch, and didn't really reconnect until he got home from dinner.  He came home with handmade cards for Ezzie and Lina - and me.  His words touched me.  We reconnected - and in the space of embracing both felt completely at peace - in complete humility towards one another.

Then I continued working on dinner with his help corralling the kids, and helping with getting dinner on the table in shifts.  We had some lovely moments with Ezzie and playing in his food - note the sarcasm.  The kids didn't finish their dinners.

Then, like normal, Jon is giving our kids a bath, while I take some space.

I don't know why this is impacting me so much right now - but I am struck by how much I love our simple, hassle-filled, normal, day-to-day.  Just thought I'd share :)

My child is a follower...

and that is a good thing.

Why this shift, you ask?  Well, sometimes it is a change in perspective that makes all the difference.  After talking with a mom of 3 - her oldest being a senior in highschool - I am encouraged with Ezzie.

She really impressed into me the importance of focusing more on teaching Ezzie what or who to follow, rather than worrying about all of the problems that could be faced in him following paths I am afraid of - bullying, being bullied, not respecting authority, not respecting others, not respecting himself, being unkind, etc.  She shared with me about teaching him Who to follow - namely teaching him to follow Christ.  I never had thought of it this way.  This really puts my soul at ease, and encourages me - this is what we want for Ezzie - for him to follow Jesus Christ.  

In our own lives - had it not been for Christ - we would have so much more pain, hopelessness, and uncertainty.  Christ has been our life, our peace, our joy, and our hope - and we want this also for our kids.

Preschool... Just to Clarify

I am not sure how well I communicated the outcome of things with Ezzie's first day last week.  He loved it.  I actually already love how the preschool is set-up and the feedback I got.

This preschool experience is a really good stepping-stone for his schooling experience - especially in relation to my fears about the potential hardships that may occur.  I hope this answers some of the questions asked about whether this is a good experience or not :)

Ezzie's First Day of School...

was this past Wednesday.  He is going to preschool at LETU every week for 2 hours.  It is a really neat program offered to children of people who work at or attend LETU.  The main teacher seems to be a mentor/teacher to college students getting their degrees in education.

Ezzie is a reserved kid when he is uncomfortable or overstimulated who is a follower by nature right now.  As soon as he gets comfortable, however, he can become loud.  When it comes to school - well, I must admit - it scares me.  It scares me that he will be in a classroom where the teacher will not function as an adult - but more like a reactive child who chooses to let the stress of kids and a poor administration dictate his/her approach to students, rather than his/her own passion and desire to be an adult who loves his/her students and chooses to be an adult.  I am afraid Ezzie will be picked on, pushed around, or that he will follow the kids who are loud and bullies, and that there will not be an adult willing to be an adult and step in.  I already see signs that point to this potentially being a problem.

When I dropped Ezzie off, I saw a group of kids we are friends with (about 10?), and a teacher and about 4 other assistants.  They were sitting there, and were engaged.  He walked right in.

I left with bittersweet feelings - excited for him, sad he is entering into school, grateful he is transitioning slowly, scared even more about future decisions, at peace even more about future decisions... such a complex experience of emotions!

I still worry about him as he grows up, and feel helpless so much of the time.  I want to protect him, I want him to see when he is being kind, when he is being unkind, I want him to choose for himself rather than blindly follow what other people are doing.  Overall though - I want him to honor God with his life.  You see - I know I can't be his everything - I don't want to - I make mistakes and bad choices like noone else's business. I am scared to trust him into any situation - but I know I can trust him into God's care and direction.

A good friend of mine encouraged me a week or so back - she passed on advice she had been given - pray to God for wisdom, and wait for His answer.  You see, I want His plan for Ezzie more than my own.  It is hard to trust - I hate feeling like things are out of my control - but I am so glad they are ultimately in His control.

Here are some fun pics from Ezzie's first day - he was SO excited.  Here he is with his friend Livi too.  The milk jugs were for making igloos - they weren't being taught how to milk a cow :)

Generosity

There is something beautiful and life-giving about a person who is generous.  Generous in his/her time, kindness, resources, etc.  There is something that is contagious about a generous person.  I love that generosity implies a lack-of-strings attached, and a genuine desire to give.

I wish I could say that being generous is such a natural overflow for me - but it isn't.  It can be hard to give that $20, that extra hour, that moment of slowing down to help someone.  It can be hard to choose to have an attitude of giving, when I would rather be selfish.

There have been so many people who have challenged, encouraged and shaped my life in regards to being generous.  It is hard to face the ugliness of my selfishness, but it is so worth it.

Someone just recently gaves us an anonymous gift.  This gift could not have come at a more perfect time.  I have been completely humbled through this gift.  We don't deserve it.  I struggle with the fact that I especially don't deserve it, all things considered with the accident this past month, and some lovely miscalculations on my part (and I am the math person!).  I feel awkward and both completely grateful for the gift.  Overall, the concept of mercy and grace really is speaking to me in this.  I am humbled by whoever gave so much to us, and that God cared so much to provide this.

Jon and I live on one main income, and I teach a bit during the week.  While we do have little - especially compared to others around us - Jon and I strive to be generous.  

It is hard to put down in words the depth of my heart - how I have been so touched by another person's gift - how it makes me want to give to others - how it continues to change me and help me be less selfish.  I hope some of this has made sense.

To whoever chose to give to us - we are so thankful.  Your gift is more to us than what it is at face value - it really has touched our hearts.  Thank you for giving to us.  You are among the people who challenge us to love more, and give more.

Two steps forward.. One step back...

It seems that whenever we commit to something new, life in that area becomes harder.  This isn't a foreign experience to me, but for some reason it is really hard to accept right now.  You see, Jon and I are working very hard to be disciplined in our finances.  We are no big spenders by any means, but we are really good at going out for that dinner we just don't want to cook.  I usually am the biggest contributor to this, because when I feel depressed I just stop wanting to do much, and so by the time Jon gets home from work I usually just want to go somewhere.  

You see, this adds up.  Financially, we are trying to pay off debt.. and well, as you can imagine, this issue makes this hard to make much headway on.  

This month we did phenomenal with our budget.. however, we have run into some other issues which will strip us down again.  We are not sharing this to complain, but just to say - it is hard.  It sucks.  It is easy to emotionally want to just throw in the towel.  

BUT... we are still moving forward.  Thankfully Jon and I are really good at helping each other up through struggles.  Thankfully we serve a God who is bigger than all of this.  We can celebrate moving forward this month, and thank God for giving us the strength to move through the hard things hitting us.  Yes, we may not be moving as fast as we like, and February might be a complete bomb... but we are moving together, and we can rest in God having a bigger plan than we see, and His grace.