My worst can be my best

In my senior year of college I decided to take The History of the American English Language for fun.  I still remember sitting in the chair and debating over whether this extra class was worth it (I was a math major).  When the professor, Dr. Glyer, opened us in prayer, I was hooked.  It ended up being one of my favorite classes, and she one of my favorite professors.

At one point in the course we were peer-reviewing one another's papers in groups of 4.  We had all read a girl's paper and were supposed to engage in dialogue about her strengths and weaknesses regarding the paper.  We all agreed that her strengths were in the introductory sentence of each paragraph that connected the last paragraph to the new paragraph.  I sat surprised when she told us that this was her greatest weakness in writing.  Her greatest insecurity, to us, was her greatest feature.

Fast forward to a week or so ago.

As I was driving through town without children - a luxury :) - I was thinking about my insecurities.  I was thinking about how I feel insecure in knowing how to be a good mom.  I feel insecure in knowing how to be intentional with my time, and to really know how to listen to my children and make them feel understood while also challenging them to grow.  I feel insecure in SO many things regarding my kids.

Well, my memory took a turn towards Dr. Glyer's class and the girl who struggled with her sentences.  If you know me well, you know my brain kind of jumps.  The jumps always make sense - well, to me atleast :)  So, it jumped a few times and landed on the memory from Dr. Glyer's class.  When I thought about this girl I was so encouraged.  She took extra time to focus on her weakness and to work on growing.  While she felt incredibly insecure about her sentences, we all, as outsiders, applauded this very aspect of her writing.  If to others her weaknesses were viewed as strengths, maybe one day mine may be viewed the same.

It is easy to look at my own shortcomings and become discouraged.  I see myself in a specific light, and assume others do as well.  I am encouraged to keep working on my weaknesses, and to trust God that He is making me strong.  I am encouraged that maybe these things that I struggle with may also be viewed as strengths and blessings to others.  Remembering that girls inspired me to continue on, instead of getting lost in the sorrow of it all.

I'm glad I stayed in that class.  The class itself was awesome, but the impact of that girl, and the continued inspiration I have experienced in knowing Dr. Glyer have been more than I could have imagined.

Boys and Girls

Compassion, critical thinking, humor, empathy, gentleness, being brave, taking risks, saying you are sorry, making things right, showing your feelings by crying, talking things out, getting out physical aggression, holding someone's hand when they are hurting.

This is a very short list of choices, activities, expressions, and characteristics that I personally value.

I hope my kids will practice/live/experience all of these.

However, they don't live in a society that encourages them equally.  We live in a culture where boys and girls are "gendered" based on characteristics such as these.  Girls are to be quiet, sensitive, compassionate, and gentle.  Boys are to be loud, domineering, good with their hands, can think in 3 dimensional pics (yes, I have heard this.. and I am a girl who can think in 3d objects and rotate them in my head), and need to be brave.  To be a good girl or boy is to stick to the stereotypes and not cross over.

While boys and girls can be different, I often struggle when I hear people talking about "all boys" or "all girls" being "insert defining expression."  It drives me crazy.  One, two, or all of my kids often do not fall into the stereotype.  Yet, that adult, and even that kid who really has no idea what they are talking about, voice their comment and alienate others, and make others feel less than for things about themselves. Is it an inferiority complex?  Is it the need to feel better about yourself by defining who you are not?

I wonder how many of our current issues with suicide, self-harm, etc. have a root in someone telling/showing a kid how they were somehow wrong in who they were based on a characteristic.  Maybe it was a little boy who was told he was too sensitive like a girl.  Maybe it was a little girl who was told she was too loud for being a girl.  

I see and hear the same things in my current season of life.  I see and hear how dad's have to "watch" their kids, and are referred to almost as babysitters.  Moms and even people outside of this season of life often look on fathers with extra sympathy if they have to take care of the kids alone - without the mom around.  In many ways, men are looked at as being inferior.  Many men seem to distance themselves emotionally from their kids.  If a mom is staying at home, and the dad is working, I can see how the dad may not be "in" on how everything goes down during the day.  However, aren't they both parents?

I already see how my son, especially, is being hurt by society when it comes to gender issues.  His favorite color is pink.  It makes me hurt for him and angry when I hear a little girl or boy tell him it is a "girl" color... and then I am furious at the parents who either encourage it, or just let it be.  He nursed his Gerry when I was nursing Lina.  I have heard many people comment on how "instinctive" it is for little girls to do this, but not for little boys.  He likes fingernail polish on his toes - that was actually a struggle for us as parents.  Jon and I had a long and good talk about that issue.  How do you respond to others who give your child a look, stare openly, and even comment out loud - and I am not even talking about kids!  Where do you protect your child, and help them learn to forgive the people who hurt them and be confident in who they are?

One thing we are learning with our kids is that they are different, and they are very much the same.  We are choosing to teach them to live out who they are, and to work towards having characteristics that enable them to love others and themselves better - even if society may come at them because they aren't being a "boy" or "girl" in the way that is deemed appropriate.  

When I am tempted to "gender" my kids, I often stop myself and think it through.  I hope I continue to do this, and that Jon and I do a good job in encouraging our kids to be who they are, to embody characteristics that help them love themselves and others better, to accept others for who they are even if it is different from them, and to stand up for others who can't do it for themselves when someone tries to tell them how they aren't valuable.