Precious Gifts

I'm tired this morning, and so is our entire household.  Lina has been battling some kind of allergic reaction with hives, and just being off.  I have been getting over a random virus I picked up a few days ago.  The storm didn't help either.  It woke everyone up, and Ezzie came to sleep with us.

However, as I laid holding Lina I couldn't help but be overwhelmed by how precious she is.  How she is such a beautiful, sweet, gentle, funny, and loving gift.  With her getting so big, we don't have these extended cuddle sessions where she just sleeps in my arms.  The still happens more with Ezzie than with Lina - simply because he is not in a crib, and will come in during the middle of the night just to cuddle sometimes.  These are the moments that both strip me of my rest, but refresh me with the reminder of how precious my kids are.  The middle of the night cuddle speaks of tenderness to me.

Last night I was reminded of how precious these simple moments are.  How the sacrifices Jon and I make as parents are blessings and gifts as well.  I wouldn't trade this for anything... even a full day of sleep... as wonderful as that sounds right now :)  My coffee will have to suffice for now :)

Responding to others when they share their feelings/perspectives...

"... I was also telling my children over and over again not to trust their own perspectives but to rely on mine instead." - How to Talk So Kids will Listen & Listen So Kids will Talk - Faber and Mazlish

My mother-in-law sent me this book recently while Jon was traveling.  It was a book recommended by one of my favorite mommy-ing blogs - http://lisajobaker.com/ - or the Gypsy Mama.

I have been on a hiatus from reading.  Why?  I have no idea.  For awhile I was plowing through multiple books at a time, so I may have just burnt out.

I got away Saturday night for some space, and hit up Target for my mommy-kidless-shopping-pleasure, and then Starbucks to read.  I began the book.  The first chapter focuses on helping children deal with their feelings.  The book is really practical and encourages readers to engage in activities within and without the book.

This quote at the top was a part of one of the authors sharing her issues with her family that led to making changes in her communication with her kids.  Basically she was negating her kids' feelings and correcting what they shared with her by telling them how they did or didn't feel.  The statement above pulled me in.  I could relate to the author from a child's perspective.  My initial thought was that I didn't want to pass this on to my children.  How tough this is!

Jon has taught me so much regarding the kids and their feelings.  I have watched him and taken in how he helps give Ezzie words to his feelings, and have learned from him how to do this with Ezzie, and now with Lina.

Right now Ezzie is in a stage where he will be angry and try to use his words to hurt.  He will say things he knows we don't like.  We have had many conversations with him about it being ok to tell us he is mad at us, and that he doesn't want to do something, but that he shouldn't try to hurt us with his words.  It is a hard thing to teach, and a narrow line to walk in encouraging him to develop his voice and also teaching him boundaries with the words he chooses to use.

While we are doing pretty good at having an open line of communication with Ezzie, and really listening to him, the author's point takes Jon and I to another level - a place of not negating the feelings Ezzie has.  A place of making sure that we don't tell him how he does and does not feel.  A place of recognizing that just as we want our feelings to be viewed as valid - even when they are not a correct perception of reality - we need to honor our children in the same way.

If we don't we risk causing what the author notes in her statement - we make them dependent on us for how they see themselves, how they feel, decisions they make - and we basically make them question themselves at every turn.  We don't want that.

Today was the first day after reading this, and I found myself thinking more about my responses, especially to Ezzie, and also listening for Jon's.  While we both have been doing a good job of rooting each other on in valuing our children in their perspectives, we definitely can do a better job when it comes to this concept of not placing our perspectives on our children.

Tonight Ezzie was mad at Jon.  Ezzie had coughed in his sister's face on purpose, threw a fit when Jon talked to him about it, and as a consequence had to get out of the bath.  He continued on with comment after comment about things he didn't like - all things he knows he daddy loves.  Jon and I were really stretched in responding to him, and not telling him - "oh, you love those things" - but, instead, asking him why and talking with him.

Oh, to be a parent is so hard.  We want to be perfect.  We want to raise our kids so that they always feel loved, valued, encouraged, challenged, etc... and know that we never failed them.. but we do.

But, I keep remembering, we try again.  We give ourselves grace, we apologize and make right, we reach out and love even when it is hard.  We do this because we want out kids to do this with others, and we need it ourselves.

I don't want our kids' perceptions to be rooted in Jon or I.  Jon and I desire for our kids to learn to rely on God's view of them, and for them to learn how to let truths guide them in how they live.  Things like treating people with kindness, even when they aren't kind; forgiving others; drawing healthy boundaries with people who are unsafe; communicating openly and honestly; respecting themselves, respecting others; loving God; living a life of justice and compassion; knowing when sacrifice is necessary; valuing life.. etc.

This is just a gold nugget I came across that has challenged Jon and I.  I hope it challenges and encourages you too - whether or not you are raising kids.  I find what the author has shared challenging in my adult relationships as well, and have begun to pay more attention to whether I really listen to others - rather than trying to fix things right away.  I like to fix things :)

Cinco Revealed

So... we knew our ultrasound was coming up, and wanted to do something creative.  While we would have loved to have a gender-reveal party to celebrate with close friends and even family, Jon's travels didn't permit this.  After talking about our last ultrasounds, we both came to the agreement that we loved experiencing the gender ultrasound with one another and our kids... but we wanted to share our joy with people close to us in a fun way.

So, after some thinking, this is what we came up with:

Well, we went to our ultrasound and saw our little bundle of joy:

Our Cinco is a thumbsucker!

After seeing Cinco, we celebrated by buying him/her their going home outfit from the hospital with the kids.  We then ate a yummy steak dinner, walked around Hobby Lobby and headed home.

Once home we made our fun cards.. and scratched off our question mark to reveal to you the gender of Cinco :)

Choices

I posted a picture of a 12 week-old fetus, and a friend of mine shared it on her page.  I was really impacted by how perfectly formed a 12 week-old fetus is.  I was also struck, once again, by the confusion people have as to whether a baby is a blob of cells at this point, or a baby.  To me, it is simple.  However, not everyone is me.

One woman commented about the post being anti-choice.  After thinking through what to say, I realized that, no, this wasn't about being anti-choice - it was about educating people on the choices they make.

I began thinking about what abortions entailed as a 9th grader.  I did a presentation, and honestly, I am not sure how I stomached it.  Maybe not really having the internet and accessible pictures saved me - or maybe I was just more insensitive to that kind of stuff before.

Anyways, I digress.

I really walked away from a small facebook conversation wondering how much of a battle is placed because people try to tell others they cannot make their own choices.  I know when someone tells me I can't make a choice it infuriates me - in my mind they have no right to tell me what I can and cannot choose.

I wonder how much the pro-life, or should I say anti-abortion, movement has fueled this fire.

To me, pro-life is not the equivalent of anti-abortion.  Being pro-life entails valuing people through respect, kindness, and fairness.  I believe in justice, being firm, issuing consequences, etc., but when you value others it is shown in your attitude and how you interact with them.  Being anti-abortion is simply being against abortion.  As shown through so many demonstrations and actions, and simply how people live towards others, it is sadly obvious that there are many people who are against abortion, but not for life.

People have choices, and others do not have the right to tell them they cannot make choices.  However, this does not mean that people do not have consequences for their choices - both good and bad.

Just like my children have consequences, so do I as an adult.  Sometimes the consequences in my life are beautiful, sometimes I want to run away from them, because they feel horrible.  However, they are mine, and I need to live with them and through them.  I also need to realize my choices impact others, and consider this when making them.  I am not an island.  However, when I make choices, and have consequences, both good and bad, I need others to walk with me.

While I am not a proponent of abortion, I would not turn my back on someone because they had an abortion or were considering it.  To be truly pro-life, and have life as a consequence of my choices, I choose to love others - even if I don't understand.  Even if I don't agree.  There is a no formula for how this works, and I can't say I would never or always ________, but if I am a true valuer of life - this will be what drives my decisions and how I interact/treat others.

It is hard to really value life and others.  I do wonder how much more people actually valuing others would impact them than people trying to prove their point through acts that demoralize, disrespect, unnecessarily hurt, and devalue others.

There are so many more issues than abortion.. there is neglect, abuse, acts of hatred, etc.  If we really valued one another, I think these issues would be null.  Sadly, this is not a reality for our world - which makes me sad.  But, hey, I can impact my small world around me.  I'm not perfect, but I love the best I can, and work hard to value others.

Pain: Are you a Leper and/or Paralytic?

I have been chewing on something for awhile.  On facebook, a dear friend posted this link:  http://us4.campaign-archive.com/?u=1b9db7cc806d7872a056ae190&id=f1fe152d89.  It is titled: The Healing of the Leper and the Paralytic.  Before I write more, I must say it is probably better for you to read it yourself than rely on my summary :)  Basically, the author discusses how when the Leper was healed, the person went from a loss of feeling and pain, to having these senses restored.  The Paralytic went from experiencing excruciating pain that was not an indicator of a problem, but the problem itself, to no longer experiencing this excessive pain.  The point of the author was the restoration of each to a true experience of pain/feeling - and this is good.

Pain is an indicator that something is wrong.  Like the leper, if we are so deadened to our emotions/feeling/experiences, we do not experience this pain that is an indicator of a problem.  If we are constantly reading more into our experiences and feeling things that aren't even a result of reality, we are experiencing more pain than necessary, and probably in a state of constant confusion over why the reality of things don't line up with our experiences.

Like most people, pain is not something I like to experience.  I can see how pain has proven to be a great teacher, an indicator of something wrong, and a director to my need for healing after time.. but it takes time.  Lots of it.

I began thinking about how I respond to pain.  At first I could relate with the Leper.  I often struggle to let myself experience my own emotions and such when caught in the middle of a situation.  In college I realized that I often would get physically sick as a result of stress and problems months after it occurred.  Today I am not nearly this bad, but I usually do not even realize I feel pain until after a conversation or an event has occurred.

I also realized I am very much like the Paralytic as a result of my Leper-ness.  I often find myself imaging the worst-case scenerio later, and feel every emotion under the sun - and, yes, they are definitely not necessary. I stress into the evenings, and stress.  For me, this is a way I protect myself.  Since I struggle with knowing my pain in the moment, I want to have a handbag of ways to respond in case I am faced with something later.. and no, this method never works!

I see the author's point, and my heart resonates with the desire for me to experience pain as is healthy - the type of pain that is an accurate picture of reality, and brings with it steps towards health and healing.

Recently, I have been walking through some hurt.  I have found myself bouncing around between a Leper and Paralytic by this author's analogy.  However, I have been so encouraged by the challenge in this article.  I have been praying for God to heal the hurt that is caused, for direction on whether there is anything I need to do, finding my strength in God to step out of my wild imagination, and asking God to use this pain for good.  I wish I could say this experience was lovely.. but, honestly, while I am grateful for growing, I still do not like pain.

As I work through my own things, I always think of my kids - as you read every time you link to this blog :)  I still remember a quote that went something like this: Become who your want your children to become.  Since my years in college, this has stuck with me.  In so many ways they are my inspiration to become healthier.. even if that means being more vulnerable, taking more risks, and going through pain - the kind that corrects my bad patterns of Leperness and Parlyticalness (word???), and the kind that is a true indicator of what is wrong and needs healing and fixing.

Family visits

About 10 days before Jon's parents were set to arrive, we began talking about their visit with Ezzie.  He was super excited, and would talk about how many days were left until Grandma and Grandpa got here.

As I painted the guest room, and we set things up we talked about how they would be sleeping in this room.

As we drove to the airport, Ezzie would squeeze his eyes shut when told to go to sleep so he would see Grandma and Grandpa soon, and then open them to sneak a look at me.  When I would catch his eyes, he would get this super excited expression on his face, and we would just share a smile.

Needless to say - Ezzie was excited.  Lina - well, she isn't really old enough to quite understand.

Our families live quite a distance from us.  So, visits are not too frequent.  We enjoy the visits.  However, we are sad to see how we lack the day-to-day familiarity with schedules and being used to being around each other that comes with living close by.  Yet - we are thankful too that it doesn't take too long to adjust.  Hence, the life of living far from family.

One of Jon and my concerns is that our kids don't really know their extended family.  This trip has really touched my heart in regards to this topic.  Ezzie has been spilling over with excitement, and he wants to take advantage of every moment he has with his grandparents.  Thankfully they are good sports, and play plenty of games with him - I'm sure they are developing a love for Chutes and Ladders much like my own :)

Lina has been fun to watch too.  She was quiet at first, but as soon as her Grandpa started making Donald Duck noises, her reserves were lifted, and she warmed up.  She has called him duck a few time.

My kids challenge me.  I am often more reserved than not about how much I am excited to see people, how much I care about them, etc.  I am shy - meaning, I do have a fear about how people perceive me, and am afraid of being rejected when I am being vulnerable.  However, watching my kids reminds me of how it is so beautiful and life-giving to just express emotions and the reality of where I am at.

I love seeing how their gifts of being candid bless others around them.

Ah.. kids.

We have 5 more days with Jon's parents.  It is so nice to have so much time with them.  Here's hoping for more family time.  We're hoping to head to see my family in the fall.  I'm not too sure how much more travel we will be doing by flying after that, but I am grateful for one more trip in the radar.

Spend less than $30 for all supplies needed to paint 2 or more rooms!

I, by no means, am a professional painter.  I have, however been painting our house room by room.  I've also helped other people paint, and have learned a few things that you may find interesting if your time is your money.

I just recently finished painting my entire living room - average size - and 3/4 of our guest room - with about 1/5th of a gallon of paint to spare.  I still remember talking with a good friend about how a paint company told her his estimation of painting 3 walls of a bedroom would take 2-3 gallons of paint... wow.  With that average, and paying full price for paint, it would cost me way more than $30 for all of my supplies.

One of my discoveries was the amazingness of the small foam rollers.  I bought one for our closets and bathrooms to use when painting.  I noticed that there was less paint waste overall.

When I paint a room with these rollers, it definitely takes 2 coats.  However, even when I have bought paint and primer and painted my walls the way the paint stores dictate, I still have about 2 coats of paint I have to put up.

Overall, it may take a little longer, but not by much.  In under 3 hours I completed the edging and painting of all coats to our guest bedroom - by myself.

Another amazing tool I discovered was the paint edger.  Watch out - this tool may become your best friend. It slides smoothly on the wall, and leaves a crisp line where the ceiling/wall meet the painted wall.  It also absorbs an amazing amount of paint (but doesn't waste), and is awesome for using to paint small sections, or to touch walls up.  Make sure you run the edger over the edge of the paint on the wall to keep it from being a distinct line on your wall.

For all of the supplies, of which the paint is really the only thing you will need to replenish for your other rooms - the roller and edger last a long time, and the refills are super cheap - your start-up cost is less than $30 (taxes included).  See the breakdown below:

Paint Pan: ~$2
Aluminum Foil (This saves your paint tray, and also keeps the paint wetter if you need to cover with saran wrap overnight.  When you are done - throw away with no pan to clean or toss!)
Foam Roller, and Refills (2): ~$11

Gallon of Oops paint (at Lowe's, Home Depot, Ace Hardware, etc): ~$6
Paint Edger (this is my favorite) and refills (2): ~$8

I hope you too can paint without being too hard on your wallet.  I recommend listening to your favorite music and simply enjoying the time with you and your paint - it is very therapeutic :)

No matter the choice... I love you.

Today one of my students interviewed me about parenting.  While the questions weren't too bad overall, I found myself nervous.  It is not that I don't share things with my students - I just don't share a lot about myself or my family - unless there is a one-on-one conversation where my life has impact.  I feel exposed and vulnerable - especially with my students - I have this fear that they will use my personal sharing against me.

Today I was surprised by this revelation as I sat uncomfortably answering questions.

As my student asking the question, and a couple others were listening in (anything is more fun than school - right?) - I found them responding with looks and comments that communicated how touched they were by some of my answers.  I had to hold back tears.

I just felt proud.  Like there was something in this parenting thing that I am doing ok in -even good.

One of the things that had a deep impact comes from a song I sing to my kids that is partially made up, and a statement that can be heard frequently around our house... depending on how hard of a day the kids, or I, are having.

It is this (when they make the bad choice):  I (Mommy) love you no matter what bad choice you make.
It is this (when I make the bad choice - imagine that! ;)):  We love each other even when we make bad choices.  Even when Mommy makes bad choices.

We make things right.

We choose to love - no matter what.

One of my students asked me how I would respond if my kids turned out like "them."  Her question made me so sad.  In my mind, there is no "them."  They are there for reasons, yes.  Many of them need help, yes.  But that makes them no less valuable.

I told her I would love my kids anyways, and stay by their side through whatever they needed to walk through.

I am in no way perfect.  My irritability could win me some awards these days - didn't realize how much being preggo would affect me this time around.

I really don't want to be - though honestly I still struggle with the pressure to be so when I am around other people, especially moms, who come across as having it all together.  I also struggle to believe I am anything if I am not perfect, and even if I was perfect it would be a toss up if I was valuable at all.

My kids don't need my perfection.  They need my honesty, vulnerability, humility, failures to walk through, and broken love that continues to try again.

I hope I can open up a little more with my students.  I am trying.  It is just hard to expose the things most important to me when I know how students can use them to hurt teachers.  I think they are worth that risk.

I hope the conversations had today about parenting when I was sharing will stay with those girls, and that they will come to value and love themselves, and believe that others do that for them too.

I still have a long way to go in valuing myself, and loving myself, and believing that anyone else really would too.  But I know that I can trust God with loving me even when I make bad choices.  Not because I can turn around and make a good choice - but because he loves me... not what I do or don't do.

Cinco De...

Five Minute Friday

Today I'm linking up with The Gypsy Mama for Five Minute Friday

1. Write for 5 minutes flat – no editing, no over thinking, no backtracking
2. Link back here and invite others to join in.
3. Please visit the person who linked up before you & encourage them in their comments.


Real...


My first thoughts do to today... the fight my husband and I had over the optometrist, and not having the correct insurance information, and our constant struggle with communication.  From there I can't help by smile and tear up at how the honesty we live our lives by can cause so much frustration, but brings so much healing for us both as we work through it.


I think of vulnerability, and how messy it can be... and how awkward at times... but how it is so worth it.


I think about how my kids live lives marked by being real more than I can say of myself publically or many adults I know.  I love my kids, and even Ezzie's comments about women being pregnant in the store, and all of the things he is beginning to say.


I think about freedom.  How being real brings freedom, and so much more intimacy than I ever have known.


I think about my husband again, and am so grateful that our marriage is not based on roles and rules, but based on the giftings God has given us, and our continual movement towards loving, accepting, and respecting one another.  That we don't have to force ourselves into the roles that our culture, and even churches, push us into, but instead live our lives, and trust God for His guidance in how we love one another.


Being real means vulnerability, life and freedom to me.

Use your words...

How many times have we said this to Ezzie?  Jon has been phenomenal at helping Ezzie learn to identify his emotions.  I have learned so much through watching him with Ezzie.  It has been amazing to see how teaching Ezzie to use his words helps minimize the fits, acting out, etc.  Moreso, it has helped him feel understood to have words to describe what he is feeling or going through, and then for us to come alongside him.

We teach our kids to be so healthy in their communication when they are young.  Shoot - my son is learning to communicate with his friends better than me!

It seems like when it comes to hurt feelings, disappointments, anger, frustration, etc., that there is a silent understanding among adults to keep it to ourselves.  However, most of us then turn around hypocritically and want our kids to communicate well with their friends and family.  To tell them when they don't like something, when they get hurt, etc.

Kids do so good.. even when we stink.. well, for awhile.

I have heard it said time and time again - our actions are the greatest teacher our kids have, not our words.

I want to be healthy in relationships, and having kids gives me a greater encouragement to do so.  While Jon and my words are very helpful in guiding Ezzie into communicating well with others about his feelings, needs and experiences, they will only be effective to a degree.

For the most part, Jon and I have grown in communicating well with one another about all of this kind of stuff.  It is with others that this is very hard.

To say: "My feelings are hurt," to someone is a near impossibility.  I am so afraid my friend will hear this and run in the opposite direction.  I am afraid that when things aren't right that it is not ok.  For the most part, it is unacceptable.  Especially here in the south, where a plastered smile and a quiet tongue around the person of offense is encouraged, while talking about them behind their backs later is fine.

It seems we revert - we throw our own adult-sized fits.  We either blow up, internalize, deaden ourselves to our actual feelings, etc.

I am so grateful for friends who are trying to be healthy.  They are the ones who challenge me when I am too stuck to even know where to begin communicating with my words.

I especially have a great respect for people who are willing to point out to me where I hurt them, disappointed them, etc.  There is something incredibly healing in this.. sounds funny, huh?  For me, this communicates that I am worth their vulnerability.  When my friends have done this, a door has been open for more intimate communication.  Walls have come down.

I cannot imagine being competent enough, secure enough, or completely comfortable with communicating my feelings with other - or using my words.  However, I know I will continue to grow.

This is actually what I want most for my children.  I want them to see a mother and father who were willing to grow and be challenged.

This is actually something I really respect about my mom.  As much as we have butted heads, and not connected on so many levels over the years, I am so grateful for her example in growing.  She has grown so much since I first met her when I was 4 (I was adopted for those of you who may be a bit confused right now).  Her willingness, and even choosing to grow when she didn't want to, is so beautiful to me.  I wonder how much my own desire to grow and become healthier has been in large part to seeing these actions over the years, and emulating them myself.

Actions speak louder than words.  Just like we work with Ezzie on using his words, we too must practice using our words.. however scary it is.

Sure, people may not respond well to honesty and vulnerability - but true friends will walk with you hand in hand through it - however uncomfortable.  Sometimes I don't want to chance finding out someone isn't really my friend, or even to be able to discern where this may be a struggle for them and not my issue, but this is a risk I need to take more often.

Our kids are watching - my words are only so good.

A tend towards introversion

Awhile ago I came across a link on my friend's facebook page about the 10 myths about introverts: http://www.carlkingdom.com/10-myths-about-introverts .  As I read the list I was struck by how much of an introvert I truly am.  I then borrowed that same friend's book: The Introvert Advantage.  I began to feel more normal.

With reading about introversion a little more, I also found myself challenged in my relationships... especially with out-going extroverts.

There was one friend who really stood out in particular.  She was a friend who overwhelmed me with her over-exuberance of care for me, and I felt very uncomfortable being so sought after as a friend.  While this part had nothing to do with being an extrovert, the rest did.  She had a ton of friends.  She was very busy in life.  I was a small segment of her life.  Space came easily for her, and I soon found myself confused by her.  When we hung out, it was as if we were sisters and best friends.  Then time would go by, even though we lived close to one another, and I would wonder why we didn't talk more regularly.

For me, I love getting to know new people, but for the friends who seem to become like sisters, I want to share daily life, and to connect with them regularly.  I don't have a ton of these friends who live nearby, currently, but I value those I have so deeply...

Some of the characteristics which differentiate between an introvert and an extrovert are breadth and depth.  An extrovert is more of a breadth friend, who may go deep with friends, but is spread more thin - more is more.  An introvert tends to go deeper with few, while she may have others who she doesn't go as deep with.

So, where was the epiphany in all of this?  Well, my feelings got hurt... really hurt.  I questioned my friend's genuineness in her care for me.  I questioned her words.  I questioned her reaching out.  I felt it was a front.  I cried many nights over feeling unloved by this friend who had struck me dumb with her affection when we first became friends.  I cried because I felt like I finally trusted her, and then she seemed to disappear, and then jump back on the grid as if time had not been a factor.  I felt unfair in even bring this to her attention.

Over reading up on introversion, I came to peace with her.  Her relationships are all genuine.  Her heart is really big.  I can see that she loves me just as much as she says, but she is not like me in her relational needs with me.

That is the hard thing... how do you reconcile these differences?

Sometimes I wish I was more of an extrovert so that I wouldn't feel the pain I feel, but then I have to remind myself that being an extrovert doesn't numb you of pain.  I have to remind myself that my needs are also beautiful and valid.

I still get my feelings hurt easily by people who are of the extrovert persuasion, and tend to have more friends then I can count.  I wish I had the reconciling answer, and knew when to say something or not.  Even though I don't have the answers, I feel like I have a different perspective.  One that frees me from seeing myself of the failure in relationships, and lets me value others for who they are in my life... I wish this knowledge could just perfect itself in me so relationships could be much easier.. but it doesn't.

I hate overgeneralizing, and defining people into groups, but I appreciate distinctions.  I appreciate the truths that stretch me to love deeper, and love better.

Realizations in Play-Dough

The other day I pulled out the play-dough.  Like the many times before, Ezzie, Lina and I sat down and played quietly for 45 minutes.  I loved it, and clearly my kids loved it enough to focus on it without any fuss or fighting between them.

I forgot how much I enjoyed just playing play-dough.

I thought about this.  I realized I often forget.

When Jon and I put the kids down, we often find ourselves in the predicament of what to do.  Jon is usually all about wanting to play a game or play the Wii.  I typically just respond with not knowing what I want to do, but not wanting to play a game (2 people is too small of a group!), or the Wii (it just seems like so much work!).

But, when I agree to do something other than watching a show (my preference is MASH, a brainless quirky show, or a cooking show), I find I love it.  I realize I forgot how much I loved it.

I am very indecisive.  Not because I don't have an opinion.  I am just really afraid of making decisions, and making the wrong choices.  I often feel really insecure about having an opinion, and then find myself confused by what I actually want.

I am still growing in even knowing myself, and what I prefer - 31 years of experience in this... too bad there isn't a job I can apply for :)

I love learning through my kids.  The other day play dough made me stop and think.  Next time Jon and I are discussing what to do, and I am not sick, I might even be the one to suggest playing the Wii or playing a game :)

Happy 18 months to my Lina-Beena

A year and a half ago - Sept 29, 2010 - our sweet Lina Annette came into the world.  What a day that was.  We had the most amazing midwife and nurses.  It was a hard labor, but she did come out, big and chunky and posterior - 8'15.6"  Now she is a skinny little bean who captures our hearts again and again.  She melts our hearts with her smiles, impromptu kisses, and cracks us up as she makes up her own jokes and laughs away.

We love our girl.  What a blessing.

Anger... what to do?

A few days ago, my feeling got hurt.  I was really mad at my friend.  I knew it immediately as I pulled away to head to work.

During college, I realized I was very good at sweeping my feelings under the rug, and found myself kicking myself daily for my struggles in relationships.  I viewed my feelings of frustration, anger, and hurt, as indicators of my failure, and I was utterly confused by what I even felt.  From my viewpoint, healthy people had no issues... I was alone in my struggles.  I would go months and weeks with nightmares and IBS issues, before I even realized something was wrong.  When I did figure it out, I would struggle for months on end before opening myself up to my friends.

After college God performed a miracle in my life.  I had started going to counseling due to a painful relationship I had just finished, and found myself facing a lot of my past I had pushed away.  That summer was hell.  I barely made it day to day.  At the end of the summer I went to a retreat.  There was nothing spectacular about it. However, I realized at the end of the weekend that I had not loathed myself daily... In the past, I had worked so hard to stop kicking myself, had asked God repeatedly to heal this part of me... and it never was taken.

However, he did take it away somewhere around the time of the retreat.  I have no idea why God chose then, but He did.

One of the things I realized through counseling was that I needed to let myself experience hurt, anger, disappointment etc.  This is so hard to do after a lifetime of denial and pushing things under the rug.

So, back to my friend.  After realizing my anger and hurt immediately, I let myself feel the emotions and work through them as best as I could on my end.  I took a risk, and called her the next day.  I shared with her that she hurt my feelings.  We worked through it.  It was incredible.  It was so freeing.

I am still afraid.  Very afraid of opening myself up.  I am very ready for the person on the receiving end to discount me, and reaffirm the lies I have believed that I am not worth being valued.  Rejection is so scary.

If it were not for God and the people He has placed in my life, I would not be moving towards health the way I am today.

Like many posts, I am wary that I will face the very issue I am sharing as soon as this is posted, but I can say I am grateful - even if it hurts more than I would every choose - I know I will grow.  I would rather grow and experience intense pain, then to bow out of struggling and live a life masked by happiness that is actually empty, self-loathing, and incredible sad.

Anger... what to do?

A few days ago, my feeling got hurt.  I was really mad at my friend.  I knew it immediately as I pulled away to head to work.

During college, I realized I was very good at sweeping my feelings under the rug, and found myself kicking myself daily for my struggles in relationships.  I viewed my feelings of frustration, anger, and hurt, as indicators of my failure, and I was utterly confused by what I even felt.  From my viewpoint, healthy people had no issues... I was alone in my struggles.  I would go months and weeks with nightmares and IBS issues, before I even realized something was wrong.  When I did figure it out, I would struggle for months on end before opening myself up to my friends.

After college God performed a miracle in my life.  I had started going to counseling due to a painful relationship I had just finished, and found myself facing a lot of my past I had pushed away.  That summer was hell.  I barely made it day to day.  At the end of the summer I went to a retreat.  There was nothing spectacular about it. However, I realized at the end of the weekend that I had not loathed myself daily... In the past, I had worked so hard to stop kicking myself, had asked God repeatedly to heal this part of me... and it never was taken.

However, he did take it away somewhere around the time of the retreat.  I have no idea why God chose then, but He did.

One of the things I realized through counseling was that I needed to let myself experience hurt, anger, disappointment etc.  This is so hard to do after a lifetime of denial and pushing things under the rug.

So, back to my friend.  After realizing my anger and hurt immediately, I let myself feel the emotions and work through them as best as I could on my end.  I took a risk, and called her the next day.  I shared with her that she hurt my feelings.  We worked through it.  It was incredible.  It was so freeing.

I am still afraid.  Very afraid of opening myself up.  I am very ready for the person on the receiving end to discount me, and reaffirm the lies I have believed that I am not worth being valued.  Rejection is so scary.

If it were not for God and the people He has placed in my life, I would not be moving towards health the way I am today.

Like many posts, I am wary that I will face the very issue I am sharing as soon as this is posted, but I can say I am grateful - even if it hurts more than I would every choose - I know I will grow.  I would rather grow and experience intense pain, then to bow out of struggling and live a life masked by happiness that is actually empty, self-loathing, and incredible sad.

Cuddler

Jon's walking put him to sleep

When Ezzie first came out of the womb, his eyes were big with curiosity.  I still remember that while he was first breastfeeding, he was looking at everything.  We soon discovered that Ezzie was happiest when he was being walked around.  As soon as we would sit down once he fell asleep, he would perk right back up and give a wail until we were walking again.  He was not much of a cuddler... he wanted to see the world.

With time, Ezzie is becoming more of a cuddler.  I LOVE it!  There are some downsides... he is more likely to be in our bed in the middle of the night is the main one.  However, there is something so precious about how if I lay down with him or a nap, he wants to hold my hand as he falls asleep.

Last night Ezzie had a horrid cough, high fever, and had really bad allergies from the day before.  We were up most of the night.  While I do like my sleep, I kept thinking about how much I love how he cuddles up.

Don't get me wrong, Ezzie still likes to see the world, and may only cuddle for a second when he is perfectly healthy... but he now loves to cuddle when he is sleeping, or just not feeling good.

Now Lina is a cuddler... who knows.. she may flip like him.. but I hope not :)

Painting... and learning some discipline

So, I finally painted the hallway!  The first color we bought was too pink, and the people at Sherwin Williams were awesome enough to change the color for us for free.  Jon's mom was tickled by the pink, but we weren't too keen on a blue kitchen attached to a pink hallway - sorry Marla!

Where in discipline-land does this affect us?  Well, we are working hard to pay off some debt, and to live better off our means.  Learning self-discipline has been hard for us both.  We aren't big spenders by any means, but we honestly have very little means to be any-type (even non-spenders) of spender.

This year we sat down and budgeted money into categories that are important for us.  Little by little we are saving up for traveling to see family, having medical money, home spending money, a bit of savings, etc.

So, to buy even a gallon of paint, non-clearanced... I keep checking the clearance section in hopes of coming across a gallon for 7 or less that would simply work... takes awhile to save-up for.  We did!  So, one more room done, and a contemplation for the front room going on.

Though the pictures aren't hung up yet and the trim isn't painted, hopefully you can see the difference before and after :)

BEFORE

AFTER

We try again...

While forgiveness and reconciliation are some things I have always believed to be essential in relationships, they are not things that have been experienced on a regular basis.  I am used to passivity.  I am used to hurt/problems being caused in a relationship, and one or both parties simply pushing it under the rug, and dancing around the pain/awkwardness caused.  

So, when pain or a problem has arisen in a relationship I have not known what to do.  Sure, I could advise you what to do... but knowing what to do, and actually walking through it are two different things.  Actually working through forgiveness and reconciliation are uncomfortable and costly when it comes down to it.  They require humility and vulnerability.  Risk is involved... will the other person leave?  Will they still want to have a relationship with me?  Am I worth working through problems and hurts to them?  Are they worth that to me?

I am an honest person.  I struggle with this characteristic.  I often feel like an odd duck who is willing to share her opinion, initiate a conversation that may be uncomfortable, or overcommunicate in the attempt to make sure that my verbal or non-verbal communication is not being misunderstood... I would not have learned these things if it had not been for the routine lessons that have come in being married to Jon, and having kids.

I want to share about how my kids are teaching me these things.

I feel very uncomfortable with knowing how to raise kids.  I read every book I can get my hands on, mentally take notes on parents around me, watch shows - I'm sure you get the point.  

However, practicing forgiveness with Ezzie began with Jon and I losing our cool when Ezzie was just around a week or so old.  Ezzie was undiagnosed with thrush, and we were miserable (he was officially diagnosed at about 5 weeks).  We were blowdrying his bum at all hours of the night while he screamed whenever any liquid would hit his horrid diaper rash.  Babies going liquid poop almost every time they pass anything didn't help!  We had no idea what was going on.  We were sleep deprived, and he had just been through the gammit of spinal taps, etc. at the hospital at 8 days old.

I couldn't handle his crying, and understood how parents could hurt their child.  Thank God almighty that this did not happen!  Jon came to my rescue, and I to his, as we both battled with this.  Everytime we would ask each other if we told Ezzie we were sorry.

We talked about forgiveness and reconciliation being among our top values in our home.  We had no idea how to really get comfortable with them, but God gave us wisdom in those early moments to say we were sorry to Ezzie.  

To say, "I forgive you," is one of the hardest things for me to say.  I struggle with the belief that I have no right to forgive others, because I deserve whatever pain comes to me.

Practice really does help.

Supernanny was my inspiration for how to go about disciplining.  I love how systematic it is, and how reconciling is the point.

Step 1:  Warn Ezzie that a consequence will be issued (unless it is an automatic consequence)

Step 2:  When Ezzie disobeys or continues on, tell him to go to timeout

Step 3:  After his alloted time, go and sit down with him eye-to-eye and talk about why he was in timeout - and when I overreact, we talk about this too, and I say I am sorry and ask him to forgive me.  

Step 4:  Ezzie needs to make it right with whoever/whatever was wronged

Step 5:  If Ezzie had to reconcile with someone else, he comes back to me.  We hug, say we love each other, and we kiss.  He or we both try again.... we try again... 

We try again... so powerful... I see it each time in how his face lights up...

I struggle with going through this process with friends and family.  I often will try to work through everything on my side, choose to forgive, and just keep struggling.  I am scared to lose people.. I am scared I will be too much, and will realize through being honest that I am not valued by them.  However, Jon and my kids, on a daily basis, give me the courage to love others more.

Isn't that what it all comes down to?  Loving others more than I care about being right, them not loving me anymore, my fear of losing people, etc.  

I wish it was easy to emotionally know this, but it is not.

Today Ezzie knocked over his milk.  Again.  Annoying.  No, I didn't cry, but I lost my cool.  I was angry.  The milk got on a book I was borrowing, and I was just angry.

When I sat down after cleaning it up.. I knew my reaction was wrong.  I asked Ezzie to forgive me.  He did.  We held hands for a bit.  

I thank God for Ezzie.  I thank Him for Jon and Lina, and how I have a safe place to practice forgiveness and reconciliation on a daily basis.  I thank Him for humility.  

I am so grateful I get to try again... 

Expressions

Lina has added a new expression to her repertoire.  I call it the scowl.  She scrunches up her little forehead, and gets this annoyed look in her eyes.  I wonder if she is picking up the silly looks I give her and Ezzie when I am playing the part of being mad.. I atleast hope it is this, and not from when I am actually mad :)  I often will wiggle my finger at them with a gruff voice, as I tease them about doing something.  They find this hilarious.

Lina is in a new stage where she is imitating her brother more, and her mother too I guess :), and trying new words.  She also laughs more.  She is starting to get joking - she thinks that her saying "dog," and me saying "cat" is absolutely hilarious.

As I was giving her a bath tonight in our kitchen sink, I loved just taking in the little girl she is becoming.  While she can give me a run for my money in the stubborn category, she constantly draws me in with her tenderness, her laughter, and her humor.

As much as Ezzie is giving me a good workout in discipline, he wins me over with his gentleness, sweetness, and thoughtfulness.  

This may sound strange - but when he had his first haircut, I had a meltdown.  I think I may have blogged about it (?).  Tonight Jon shaved his head.  Rather than freaking out that he would become a punk-kid (yes, his first haircut really scared me), I found myself just staring at him, and smiling about how much I love my boy.  He is growing up so fast.

I am trying to take in every moment with them.  I know I can't carpe diem all the time - but, I sure as heck try to!  I may not remember all of the moments with my kids, but that isn't what I want.  I want to experience the moments with them - even if they do get forgotten.  My mind seems to be getting worse with time :)  There is something incredibly fulfilling about just experiencing life with my kids, rather than trying to remember everything.  Anyways, here are some fun pics to end the day with.

Lina taking a bath

Ezzie and Lina standing together

 Our Valentine's Day Pancakes

 Ezzie making cookies with me (with his newly shaved head :))

Bathtime and Pandora

As I sit here listening to the kids playing in the bathtub with Jon supervising, and listening to Pandora (I love my "Once" station :)), I am struck by how much I love this night.

Truth be known, Jon and I got off to a rocky start this morning.  We had one of those silent phone conversations around lunch, and didn't really reconnect until he got home from dinner.  He came home with handmade cards for Ezzie and Lina - and me.  His words touched me.  We reconnected - and in the space of embracing both felt completely at peace - in complete humility towards one another.

Then I continued working on dinner with his help corralling the kids, and helping with getting dinner on the table in shifts.  We had some lovely moments with Ezzie and playing in his food - note the sarcasm.  The kids didn't finish their dinners.

Then, like normal, Jon is giving our kids a bath, while I take some space.

I don't know why this is impacting me so much right now - but I am struck by how much I love our simple, hassle-filled, normal, day-to-day.  Just thought I'd share :)

My child is a follower...

and that is a good thing.

Why this shift, you ask?  Well, sometimes it is a change in perspective that makes all the difference.  After talking with a mom of 3 - her oldest being a senior in highschool - I am encouraged with Ezzie.

She really impressed into me the importance of focusing more on teaching Ezzie what or who to follow, rather than worrying about all of the problems that could be faced in him following paths I am afraid of - bullying, being bullied, not respecting authority, not respecting others, not respecting himself, being unkind, etc.  She shared with me about teaching him Who to follow - namely teaching him to follow Christ.  I never had thought of it this way.  This really puts my soul at ease, and encourages me - this is what we want for Ezzie - for him to follow Jesus Christ.  

In our own lives - had it not been for Christ - we would have so much more pain, hopelessness, and uncertainty.  Christ has been our life, our peace, our joy, and our hope - and we want this also for our kids.

Preschool... Just to Clarify

I am not sure how well I communicated the outcome of things with Ezzie's first day last week.  He loved it.  I actually already love how the preschool is set-up and the feedback I got.

This preschool experience is a really good stepping-stone for his schooling experience - especially in relation to my fears about the potential hardships that may occur.  I hope this answers some of the questions asked about whether this is a good experience or not :)

Ezzie's First Day of School...

was this past Wednesday.  He is going to preschool at LETU every week for 2 hours.  It is a really neat program offered to children of people who work at or attend LETU.  The main teacher seems to be a mentor/teacher to college students getting their degrees in education.

Ezzie is a reserved kid when he is uncomfortable or overstimulated who is a follower by nature right now.  As soon as he gets comfortable, however, he can become loud.  When it comes to school - well, I must admit - it scares me.  It scares me that he will be in a classroom where the teacher will not function as an adult - but more like a reactive child who chooses to let the stress of kids and a poor administration dictate his/her approach to students, rather than his/her own passion and desire to be an adult who loves his/her students and chooses to be an adult.  I am afraid Ezzie will be picked on, pushed around, or that he will follow the kids who are loud and bullies, and that there will not be an adult willing to be an adult and step in.  I already see signs that point to this potentially being a problem.

When I dropped Ezzie off, I saw a group of kids we are friends with (about 10?), and a teacher and about 4 other assistants.  They were sitting there, and were engaged.  He walked right in.

I left with bittersweet feelings - excited for him, sad he is entering into school, grateful he is transitioning slowly, scared even more about future decisions, at peace even more about future decisions... such a complex experience of emotions!

I still worry about him as he grows up, and feel helpless so much of the time.  I want to protect him, I want him to see when he is being kind, when he is being unkind, I want him to choose for himself rather than blindly follow what other people are doing.  Overall though - I want him to honor God with his life.  You see - I know I can't be his everything - I don't want to - I make mistakes and bad choices like noone else's business. I am scared to trust him into any situation - but I know I can trust him into God's care and direction.

A good friend of mine encouraged me a week or so back - she passed on advice she had been given - pray to God for wisdom, and wait for His answer.  You see, I want His plan for Ezzie more than my own.  It is hard to trust - I hate feeling like things are out of my control - but I am so glad they are ultimately in His control.

Here are some fun pics from Ezzie's first day - he was SO excited.  Here he is with his friend Livi too.  The milk jugs were for making igloos - they weren't being taught how to milk a cow :)

Generosity

There is something beautiful and life-giving about a person who is generous.  Generous in his/her time, kindness, resources, etc.  There is something that is contagious about a generous person.  I love that generosity implies a lack-of-strings attached, and a genuine desire to give.

I wish I could say that being generous is such a natural overflow for me - but it isn't.  It can be hard to give that $20, that extra hour, that moment of slowing down to help someone.  It can be hard to choose to have an attitude of giving, when I would rather be selfish.

There have been so many people who have challenged, encouraged and shaped my life in regards to being generous.  It is hard to face the ugliness of my selfishness, but it is so worth it.

Someone just recently gaves us an anonymous gift.  This gift could not have come at a more perfect time.  I have been completely humbled through this gift.  We don't deserve it.  I struggle with the fact that I especially don't deserve it, all things considered with the accident this past month, and some lovely miscalculations on my part (and I am the math person!).  I feel awkward and both completely grateful for the gift.  Overall, the concept of mercy and grace really is speaking to me in this.  I am humbled by whoever gave so much to us, and that God cared so much to provide this.

Jon and I live on one main income, and I teach a bit during the week.  While we do have little - especially compared to others around us - Jon and I strive to be generous.  

It is hard to put down in words the depth of my heart - how I have been so touched by another person's gift - how it makes me want to give to others - how it continues to change me and help me be less selfish.  I hope some of this has made sense.

To whoever chose to give to us - we are so thankful.  Your gift is more to us than what it is at face value - it really has touched our hearts.  Thank you for giving to us.  You are among the people who challenge us to love more, and give more.

Two steps forward.. One step back...

It seems that whenever we commit to something new, life in that area becomes harder.  This isn't a foreign experience to me, but for some reason it is really hard to accept right now.  You see, Jon and I are working very hard to be disciplined in our finances.  We are no big spenders by any means, but we are really good at going out for that dinner we just don't want to cook.  I usually am the biggest contributor to this, because when I feel depressed I just stop wanting to do much, and so by the time Jon gets home from work I usually just want to go somewhere.  

You see, this adds up.  Financially, we are trying to pay off debt.. and well, as you can imagine, this issue makes this hard to make much headway on.  

This month we did phenomenal with our budget.. however, we have run into some other issues which will strip us down again.  We are not sharing this to complain, but just to say - it is hard.  It sucks.  It is easy to emotionally want to just throw in the towel.  

BUT... we are still moving forward.  Thankfully Jon and I are really good at helping each other up through struggles.  Thankfully we serve a God who is bigger than all of this.  We can celebrate moving forward this month, and thank God for giving us the strength to move through the hard things hitting us.  Yes, we may not be moving as fast as we like, and February might be a complete bomb... but we are moving together, and we can rest in God having a bigger plan than we see, and His grace.

Walking has FINALLY begun!

Lina is 16 months now... and took her first steps on her own 2 days back.  This mommy was ridiculously happy.  Finally!  Lina and Ezzie are very different (people talk a lot about your children being different from one another... so true!).  Ezzie was the child who would take a long time to learn things.  It took him a couple of months of rocking, crawling backwards, and throwing himself forward before he really crawled.  It took Lina a day.  However Ezzie began his crawling endeavors around 7 months.. Lina, right before her first birthday.  Verbal skills - the same way.  Ezzie practiced a lot.  Lina just began blabbing one day.  So, this whole walking things is not too much of a surprise.

While I do love cuddling with my sweet girl, I have to say that I am tired of not going outside without too much mess.  It is wet outside.  It would be SO nice if she could just walk so she could run around outside with her brother.  Plus the chances of her losing shoes would be lessened... yes, we are in that stage of her losing her shoes :(  I am SO looking forward to her being a walker!

Lina began walking when we were hanging out with our friends - the Bulgriens.  Kim caught it on film.  We laughed the most at the end of the movie.  Lina kind of just rolls over when she is done walking - she cracks me up.

We hope you enjoy this!