If you asked me what one of my faults it, I would probably share with you about my need to preserve myself. To protect myself. The first time I knowingly put on the armor of self-preservation was back when I was about 5. My brother and I were pulled aside by the judge and questioned about whether we wanted to be adopted. Without a second thought my answer was yes. I trusted that the judge would bring justice, and had full confidence the nightmares of visits, court rooms and examinations would be over. Well, the battle to be adopted and freed from these things didn't occur until almost 8 years past that point.
I lost faith in others. The judge - the only one I knew I could trust - failed me. From that time on, self-preservation became my kindred spirit.
Surprisingly, I also found myself easily trusting. So, it was a battle between my nature, and the nurturing of environments that taught me that I could only trust myself.
I am a wife, mom, daughter, sister, friend, teacher. I still struggle with letting people in, and letting myself really open up to others.
It has been a lesson of letting people in, and when trust is broken, drawing healthy boundaries, and walking down the path of letting them in again if they earn my trust. Easily said than done, but growth has been a big part of my life.
So, you would think I could take the feeling of being taken advantage by the government without too much emotion. But, seriously, it speeds my heart up and calls the tears to fill the ducts of my eyes. Right now, they aren't spilling. I am also stubborn.
It is hard to get over the feeling that Jon and I try to be faithful with what we are given, and to be faithful in our debts, responsibilities, and whatever is called of us... and then, well, even as we are doing everything we can do, and checking everything off, we find ourselves in a place of being taken advantage of.
So... what can I do?
One practice that has begun shaping my life involves admitting the holistic experience I am going through, and taking that and transforming it through the lens of empathy. What do I mean by this? Well, I feel taken advantage of. I am stopping and asking myself if I have taken advantage of others. I am having the uncomfortable conversation about my own treatment of others - big and small. While I cannot think of a current way I am taking advantage of others, it is my prayer that I will be aware of when I have the desire to do so - and even when I act. What will I do? I will listen to the advice we give our kids - make it right. Say I am sorry. Try again.
I hate how I feel, and it pains me to think that I may have made others feel this exact same thing. I am pretty helpless right now to resolve anything with the government regarding myself. However, I will not let this further infect the concept of not being able to trust, and thus make me harden my heart. I am grateful for these fresh feelings of pain, even though I don't choose them, because they remind me to empathize with others and be more aware of my effects on the lives of people around me.
