Anger... what to do?

A few days ago, my feeling got hurt.  I was really mad at my friend.  I knew it immediately as I pulled away to head to work.

During college, I realized I was very good at sweeping my feelings under the rug, and found myself kicking myself daily for my struggles in relationships.  I viewed my feelings of frustration, anger, and hurt, as indicators of my failure, and I was utterly confused by what I even felt.  From my viewpoint, healthy people had no issues... I was alone in my struggles.  I would go months and weeks with nightmares and IBS issues, before I even realized something was wrong.  When I did figure it out, I would struggle for months on end before opening myself up to my friends.

After college God performed a miracle in my life.  I had started going to counseling due to a painful relationship I had just finished, and found myself facing a lot of my past I had pushed away.  That summer was hell.  I barely made it day to day.  At the end of the summer I went to a retreat.  There was nothing spectacular about it. However, I realized at the end of the weekend that I had not loathed myself daily... In the past, I had worked so hard to stop kicking myself, had asked God repeatedly to heal this part of me... and it never was taken.

However, he did take it away somewhere around the time of the retreat.  I have no idea why God chose then, but He did.

One of the things I realized through counseling was that I needed to let myself experience hurt, anger, disappointment etc.  This is so hard to do after a lifetime of denial and pushing things under the rug.

So, back to my friend.  After realizing my anger and hurt immediately, I let myself feel the emotions and work through them as best as I could on my end.  I took a risk, and called her the next day.  I shared with her that she hurt my feelings.  We worked through it.  It was incredible.  It was so freeing.

I am still afraid.  Very afraid of opening myself up.  I am very ready for the person on the receiving end to discount me, and reaffirm the lies I have believed that I am not worth being valued.  Rejection is so scary.

If it were not for God and the people He has placed in my life, I would not be moving towards health the way I am today.

Like many posts, I am wary that I will face the very issue I am sharing as soon as this is posted, but I can say I am grateful - even if it hurts more than I would every choose - I know I will grow.  I would rather grow and experience intense pain, then to bow out of struggling and live a life masked by happiness that is actually empty, self-loathing, and incredible sad.