Today one of my students interviewed me about parenting. While the questions weren't too bad overall, I found myself nervous. It is not that I don't share things with my students - I just don't share a lot about myself or my family - unless there is a one-on-one conversation where my life has impact. I feel exposed and vulnerable - especially with my students - I have this fear that they will use my personal sharing against me.
Today I was surprised by this revelation as I sat uncomfortably answering questions.
As my student asking the question, and a couple others were listening in (anything is more fun than school - right?) - I found them responding with looks and comments that communicated how touched they were by some of my answers. I had to hold back tears.
I just felt proud. Like there was something in this parenting thing that I am doing ok in -even good.
One of the things that had a deep impact comes from a song I sing to my kids that is partially made up, and a statement that can be heard frequently around our house... depending on how hard of a day the kids, or I, are having.
It is this (when they make the bad choice): I (Mommy) love you no matter what bad choice you make.
It is this (when I make the bad choice - imagine that! ;)): We love each other even when we make bad choices. Even when Mommy makes bad choices.
We make things right.
We choose to love - no matter what.
One of my students asked me how I would respond if my kids turned out like "them." Her question made me so sad. In my mind, there is no "them." They are there for reasons, yes. Many of them need help, yes. But that makes them no less valuable.
I told her I would love my kids anyways, and stay by their side through whatever they needed to walk through.
I am in no way perfect. My irritability could win me some awards these days - didn't realize how much being preggo would affect me this time around.
I really don't want to be - though honestly I still struggle with the pressure to be so when I am around other people, especially moms, who come across as having it all together. I also struggle to believe I am anything if I am not perfect, and even if I was perfect it would be a toss up if I was valuable at all.
My kids don't need my perfection. They need my honesty, vulnerability, humility, failures to walk through, and broken love that continues to try again.
I hope I can open up a little more with my students. I am trying. It is just hard to expose the things most important to me when I know how students can use them to hurt teachers. I think they are worth that risk.
I hope the conversations had today about parenting when I was sharing will stay with those girls, and that they will come to value and love themselves, and believe that others do that for them too.
I still have a long way to go in valuing myself, and loving myself, and believing that anyone else really would too. But I know that I can trust God with loving me even when I make bad choices. Not because I can turn around and make a good choice - but because he loves me... not what I do or don't do.
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