I have been chewing on something for awhile. On facebook, a dear friend posted this link: http://us4.campaign-archive.com/?u=1b9db7cc806d7872a056ae190&id=f1fe152d89. It is titled: The Healing of the Leper and the Paralytic. Before I write more, I must say it is probably better for you to read it yourself than rely on my summary :) Basically, the author discusses how when the Leper was healed, the person went from a loss of feeling and pain, to having these senses restored. The Paralytic went from experiencing excruciating pain that was not an indicator of a problem, but the problem itself, to no longer experiencing this excessive pain. The point of the author was the restoration of each to a true experience of pain/feeling - and this is good.
Pain is an indicator that something is wrong. Like the leper, if we are so deadened to our emotions/feeling/experiences, we do not experience this pain that is an indicator of a problem. If we are constantly reading more into our experiences and feeling things that aren't even a result of reality, we are experiencing more pain than necessary, and probably in a state of constant confusion over why the reality of things don't line up with our experiences.
Like most people, pain is not something I like to experience. I can see how pain has proven to be a great teacher, an indicator of something wrong, and a director to my need for healing after time.. but it takes time. Lots of it.
I began thinking about how I respond to pain. At first I could relate with the Leper. I often struggle to let myself experience my own emotions and such when caught in the middle of a situation. In college I realized that I often would get physically sick as a result of stress and problems months after it occurred. Today I am not nearly this bad, but I usually do not even realize I feel pain until after a conversation or an event has occurred.
I also realized I am very much like the Paralytic as a result of my Leper-ness. I often find myself imaging the worst-case scenerio later, and feel every emotion under the sun - and, yes, they are definitely not necessary. I stress into the evenings, and stress. For me, this is a way I protect myself. Since I struggle with knowing my pain in the moment, I want to have a handbag of ways to respond in case I am faced with something later.. and no, this method never works!
I see the author's point, and my heart resonates with the desire for me to experience pain as is healthy - the type of pain that is an accurate picture of reality, and brings with it steps towards health and healing.
Recently, I have been walking through some hurt. I have found myself bouncing around between a Leper and Paralytic by this author's analogy. However, I have been so encouraged by the challenge in this article. I have been praying for God to heal the hurt that is caused, for direction on whether there is anything I need to do, finding my strength in God to step out of my wild imagination, and asking God to use this pain for good. I wish I could say this experience was lovely.. but, honestly, while I am grateful for growing, I still do not like pain.
As I work through my own things, I always think of my kids - as you read every time you link to this blog :) I still remember a quote that went something like this: Become who your want your children to become. Since my years in college, this has stuck with me. In so many ways they are my inspiration to become healthier.. even if that means being more vulnerable, taking more risks, and going through pain - the kind that corrects my bad patterns of Leperness and Parlyticalness (word???), and the kind that is a true indicator of what is wrong and needs healing and fixing.
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