We try again...

While forgiveness and reconciliation are some things I have always believed to be essential in relationships, they are not things that have been experienced on a regular basis.  I am used to passivity.  I am used to hurt/problems being caused in a relationship, and one or both parties simply pushing it under the rug, and dancing around the pain/awkwardness caused.  

So, when pain or a problem has arisen in a relationship I have not known what to do.  Sure, I could advise you what to do... but knowing what to do, and actually walking through it are two different things.  Actually working through forgiveness and reconciliation are uncomfortable and costly when it comes down to it.  They require humility and vulnerability.  Risk is involved... will the other person leave?  Will they still want to have a relationship with me?  Am I worth working through problems and hurts to them?  Are they worth that to me?

I am an honest person.  I struggle with this characteristic.  I often feel like an odd duck who is willing to share her opinion, initiate a conversation that may be uncomfortable, or overcommunicate in the attempt to make sure that my verbal or non-verbal communication is not being misunderstood... I would not have learned these things if it had not been for the routine lessons that have come in being married to Jon, and having kids.

I want to share about how my kids are teaching me these things.

I feel very uncomfortable with knowing how to raise kids.  I read every book I can get my hands on, mentally take notes on parents around me, watch shows - I'm sure you get the point.  

However, practicing forgiveness with Ezzie began with Jon and I losing our cool when Ezzie was just around a week or so old.  Ezzie was undiagnosed with thrush, and we were miserable (he was officially diagnosed at about 5 weeks).  We were blowdrying his bum at all hours of the night while he screamed whenever any liquid would hit his horrid diaper rash.  Babies going liquid poop almost every time they pass anything didn't help!  We had no idea what was going on.  We were sleep deprived, and he had just been through the gammit of spinal taps, etc. at the hospital at 8 days old.

I couldn't handle his crying, and understood how parents could hurt their child.  Thank God almighty that this did not happen!  Jon came to my rescue, and I to his, as we both battled with this.  Everytime we would ask each other if we told Ezzie we were sorry.

We talked about forgiveness and reconciliation being among our top values in our home.  We had no idea how to really get comfortable with them, but God gave us wisdom in those early moments to say we were sorry to Ezzie.  

To say, "I forgive you," is one of the hardest things for me to say.  I struggle with the belief that I have no right to forgive others, because I deserve whatever pain comes to me.

Practice really does help.

Supernanny was my inspiration for how to go about disciplining.  I love how systematic it is, and how reconciling is the point.

Step 1:  Warn Ezzie that a consequence will be issued (unless it is an automatic consequence)

Step 2:  When Ezzie disobeys or continues on, tell him to go to timeout

Step 3:  After his alloted time, go and sit down with him eye-to-eye and talk about why he was in timeout - and when I overreact, we talk about this too, and I say I am sorry and ask him to forgive me.  

Step 4:  Ezzie needs to make it right with whoever/whatever was wronged

Step 5:  If Ezzie had to reconcile with someone else, he comes back to me.  We hug, say we love each other, and we kiss.  He or we both try again.... we try again... 

We try again... so powerful... I see it each time in how his face lights up...

I struggle with going through this process with friends and family.  I often will try to work through everything on my side, choose to forgive, and just keep struggling.  I am scared to lose people.. I am scared I will be too much, and will realize through being honest that I am not valued by them.  However, Jon and my kids, on a daily basis, give me the courage to love others more.

Isn't that what it all comes down to?  Loving others more than I care about being right, them not loving me anymore, my fear of losing people, etc.  

I wish it was easy to emotionally know this, but it is not.

Today Ezzie knocked over his milk.  Again.  Annoying.  No, I didn't cry, but I lost my cool.  I was angry.  The milk got on a book I was borrowing, and I was just angry.

When I sat down after cleaning it up.. I knew my reaction was wrong.  I asked Ezzie to forgive me.  He did.  We held hands for a bit.  

I thank God for Ezzie.  I thank Him for Jon and Lina, and how I have a safe place to practice forgiveness and reconciliation on a daily basis.  I thank Him for humility.  

I am so grateful I get to try again...