Use your words...

How many times have we said this to Ezzie?  Jon has been phenomenal at helping Ezzie learn to identify his emotions.  I have learned so much through watching him with Ezzie.  It has been amazing to see how teaching Ezzie to use his words helps minimize the fits, acting out, etc.  Moreso, it has helped him feel understood to have words to describe what he is feeling or going through, and then for us to come alongside him.

We teach our kids to be so healthy in their communication when they are young.  Shoot - my son is learning to communicate with his friends better than me!

It seems like when it comes to hurt feelings, disappointments, anger, frustration, etc., that there is a silent understanding among adults to keep it to ourselves.  However, most of us then turn around hypocritically and want our kids to communicate well with their friends and family.  To tell them when they don't like something, when they get hurt, etc.

Kids do so good.. even when we stink.. well, for awhile.

I have heard it said time and time again - our actions are the greatest teacher our kids have, not our words.

I want to be healthy in relationships, and having kids gives me a greater encouragement to do so.  While Jon and my words are very helpful in guiding Ezzie into communicating well with others about his feelings, needs and experiences, they will only be effective to a degree.

For the most part, Jon and I have grown in communicating well with one another about all of this kind of stuff.  It is with others that this is very hard.

To say: "My feelings are hurt," to someone is a near impossibility.  I am so afraid my friend will hear this and run in the opposite direction.  I am afraid that when things aren't right that it is not ok.  For the most part, it is unacceptable.  Especially here in the south, where a plastered smile and a quiet tongue around the person of offense is encouraged, while talking about them behind their backs later is fine.

It seems we revert - we throw our own adult-sized fits.  We either blow up, internalize, deaden ourselves to our actual feelings, etc.

I am so grateful for friends who are trying to be healthy.  They are the ones who challenge me when I am too stuck to even know where to begin communicating with my words.

I especially have a great respect for people who are willing to point out to me where I hurt them, disappointed them, etc.  There is something incredibly healing in this.. sounds funny, huh?  For me, this communicates that I am worth their vulnerability.  When my friends have done this, a door has been open for more intimate communication.  Walls have come down.

I cannot imagine being competent enough, secure enough, or completely comfortable with communicating my feelings with other - or using my words.  However, I know I will continue to grow.

This is actually what I want most for my children.  I want them to see a mother and father who were willing to grow and be challenged.

This is actually something I really respect about my mom.  As much as we have butted heads, and not connected on so many levels over the years, I am so grateful for her example in growing.  She has grown so much since I first met her when I was 4 (I was adopted for those of you who may be a bit confused right now).  Her willingness, and even choosing to grow when she didn't want to, is so beautiful to me.  I wonder how much my own desire to grow and become healthier has been in large part to seeing these actions over the years, and emulating them myself.

Actions speak louder than words.  Just like we work with Ezzie on using his words, we too must practice using our words.. however scary it is.

Sure, people may not respond well to honesty and vulnerability - but true friends will walk with you hand in hand through it - however uncomfortable.  Sometimes I don't want to chance finding out someone isn't really my friend, or even to be able to discern where this may be a struggle for them and not my issue, but this is a risk I need to take more often.

Our kids are watching - my words are only so good.